Ads 468x60px

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

9 Weeks Down...31 To Go

I can't believe it's that many weeks left. I found out almost a month ago and it seems like I've been pregnant forever already! I think it'll start to go faster once I start showing. Plus it will be a huge relief to finally let work know...only a couple more weeks. I'm also excited for my first appointment! I'm hoping that I'll be able to hear the heartbeat. I've been reading that there's a chance I might not be able to hear it this early (depending on the position of the baby and the "padding" on my stomach...hahaha!) They said if not, definitely by week 14 I can! That's so exciting!

Right now I'm trying to make the best food choices. It's hard when barely anything sounds appealing, even healthy food. So far fresh veggies (which normally I LOVE) do not appeal to me at all! Once I start eating them, though, they taste really good. I haven't gained any weight yet, but I'm sure I will. I'm kind of bummed because in the last three months I've lost about 20 pounds and I've been so excited about it...then I got this news! LOL! Well, God's timing not mine, right?
So, I'm trucking along. I had to call in sick yesterday because my stomach was really churning, even after I ate (which usually makes me feel better), but so far I've only thrown up three times. I think I don't have it too bad. A friend of mine had to be on medication throughout her whole pregnancy for morning sickness because it was so bad...I am very thankful right now. I have one month left in my first trimester and boy will I be glad when it is over.

Another thing I've been dealing with is constant tiredness. I'm not always bone-tired, but it's there. The other night I slept for THIRTEEN HOURS and I was STILL tired the next day!! I guess I needed it! LOL. They say it'll go away in the second trimester and then return for the last...grrrreat! Right now I'm just looking forward to that little break!

Well, I'll stop rambling about it for now! I'll update you again in a couple weeks after my doctor's appointment!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

My Body is Not My Own

I am pregnant.

7 weeks, to be exact. It is all so surreal. Right now I feel like I don't even own my body. It's doing things that I have no control over. I feel somewhat nauseous and crampy and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can't take anything for it, so I have been learning to live with it. So far, it's really not that bad. It's more the emotional side of things that have gotten to me. I feel like my mind is always fixated on it. Everything I do, everything I say and think, it's there. There's another part of me now that didn't exist before. I'm still grasping this concept. I mean, right now it already has an appendix and a pancreas! In the medical world they're still not 100% sure what an appendix does, but the baby has already developed it this early on...insane!

I know it may sound all cliche and everything, but I really do feel like it's a miracle. It's amazing that God has chosen me (and my husband) to welcome a child into the world. We weren't planning on it, but He felt like it was the right time for us. So, there's nothing we can do but have a baby!

Monday, July 7, 2008

All I Ever Have To Be

When I was a teenager I was given a copy of Amy Grant's "The Collection" piano book. It changed me. It changed my repertoire as a singer and it changed my bonding time with my mom. She would play through that book and I would sing till my voice was all raspy and my throat was raw. My mom would say "okay, no more" and I would beg her to do one more (which then turned into two more, then three, and so on.) This particular song I learned without ever having heard it before. My mom and I both fell in love with it right away. I think that whether you are a preteen, a teenager, young woman, or aged woman it can apply to you. It is so simple and true: all I ever have to be is what God made me. Now, it's not always THAT easy when it comes down to it 'cause we're constantly trying to figure out what that is but, maybe it CAN be that easy! Have you ever just lived a day and not really thought about what you NEED to be but what you ALREADY are? It's a real challenge, but a fulfilling one!

All I Ever Have to Be
by Amy Grant

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.

But I'm still hurting,
Wondering if Ill ever be
The one I think I am.

I think I am.

Then You gently re-remind me
That You've made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who You are.

Who You are...

And all I ever have to be
Is what You've made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of Your plan.

As You daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.

And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what You've made me.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

A Great Loss

This is dedicated to Rick and Carol Burrill who just lost their son, Ryan, in a car accident this morning. He was my second cousin and was 26 years old. I know that he will be terribly missed by all of his family and friends.

With Hope
by Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Saturday, June 21, 2008

It's a Sad, Sad World

Well, I just read a recent article about a group of teenage girls in a town in Massachusetts who made a pact with each other to get pregnant this year. They are all 16 or younger. When one of them gets pregnant they high-five each other and if one doesn't then they are disappointed.

The word that came to my mind first was: sadness. Plain old sadness. After that was: stupidity, immaturity, scariness, responsibility, grace.

I am almost 24 years old. I will be married 2 years in August, I have been graduated from high school for 6 years, I have lived on my own and given myself the chance to experience life. I can't imagine how different my life would be if I had a child at 15 or 16...I would have a kid almost 10 years old. I can't even imagine having a child right now! When I was 15 I was still hooked on the Backstreet Boys. I had posters of bands all over my room, I still got punished for disobeying my parents, I had a curfew, I whined about having to empty the dishwasher and got mad if I couldn't do something with a friend unless all my homework was done. There was no time I ever thought "I think having a baby would be a great addition to my life right now." I couldn't even handle my own changing hormones, life and mind. There is SO MUCH going on inside you that I can't even imagine how purposefully bringing a child into that environment would be a "great idea."

My dearest friend had a baby when she was 17. It was not planned. She was strong and wise to give it up for adoption. I believe that she would have made a wonderful mother, and I am not doubting that those girls will. The issue is this: no matter what age you have a child at you have to be prepared for it to CHANGE YOUR LIFE! Literally overnight. Whether you give it up for adoption or keep your baby and raise it yourself, it will alter your existence. It's not like a dog where you can train it to stay in a crate when you leave for a few hours. Every day of your life will involve this child. They need patience, attention, direction, discipline, love, TIME...they will consume you.

I'm guessing that a 15 year old mother doesn't have the money to leave the baby with a sitter all day or even for a weekend. That is when the child also becomes the responsibility of those around them. One of the girls apparently said "Oh, I think my parents would be fine with it and they would help me." If I had been in this situation and my parents found out that I had said that they would be furious! From the start, before she is even pregnant, she is laying at least half of the responsibility on her parents. Since she will most likely (well, hopefully) be in school after the baby is born her parents will probably be the ones looking after it. Also, what about weekends? What about getting together with friends after school or on weekends? Does she think that when she and her friends go to a coffee shop with all their babies they will look cool and mature? They won't. They will look way too young to have children and people will know it.

It's a sad fact but, people will judge them. I admit that I have been guilty of it myself. I don't believe that it's right because we never really know what the circumstance is for someone. All I wish is that the person will experience some grace in their life. If these girls are choosing to walk a hard road, then I hope that there will be at least one person in their life that will show them God's grace. Because Lord knows I have needed it at times in my life.

Anywho, I just needed to rant a little about all of this. Issues like this hit deep down inside me and I need to share my feelings and my opinions. I hope that these girls find deep satisfaction outside of having children and that their lives are full and complete no matter what they choose to do.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Lagging Behind

I try to keep on top of things as best I can, but sometimes things just slip my mind and it can be a long time till it finds it's way back in there. For instance, a dentist appointment. The last time I had my teeth cleaned was two years's supposed to be every six months. Therefore, I'm already three behind and I'm about to be four. How can I not remember to do this?

Yesterday I finally got new glasses. In the course of moving for the fourth time last year I lost my sole pair. I rarely wore them so it doesn't surprise me. For a YEAR I have needed new glasses! So how does something so important and necessary like that take a stroll out of my brain?

I think the reason we forget to do these things is because they are so important. We remember to do little things more often because we face them on a day to day, week to week basis. The big things take time and effort. To set up a doctor's appointment you have to sit at the phone and try to get through for twenty minutes (at least for mine you do). Then you have to mark it on your calender, in your daytimer, on a post it note at work to make sure you book that time's a lot to do. I feel that this is the reason we forget to do those things. Remembering to pick up cheese at the grocery store for this weekend's mac and cheese themed dinner party is a lot easier to remember because it is so near in the future.

I'm no research scientist and maybe it's just me, but I have a lot of friends like this! Maybe we group! I know some people are adamant about those things and make sure to have their dentist appointment every six months and their doctor appointment booked a year in advance. Hopefully one day I will remember to stay on top of those things, but till then, I'll tell myself that two years between dentist appointments really can't be THAT bad...right?

Friday, June 6, 2008

C.S. Lewis Nailed It

I have always viewed C.S. Lewis as a very wise man. He seemed to have a very real relationship with God. By that I mean, it wasn't filled with pressure to prove outwardly his love for his Lord. He lived a simple life and allowed his faith to be simple. The original quote that inspired this song is this: "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

C.S. Lewis Song
by Brooke Fraser

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here.
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
Then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared.

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know You
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Lonely Days

Do you ever have lonely days? Days where nobody can fill that empty feeling inside you? Days when it feels like no one in the world sees you or acknowledges your presence? Sometimes these days can even make me feel sad; almost melancholy.

Whenever I stop to think about the fact that I am having a day like this I am reminded of an Amy Grant song*. It goes:

I love a lonely day
It makes me think of You
All alone, I can easily find Your love
I love a lonely day
It chases me to You
It clears my heart
Lets my very best part shine through
It's You

Most of the time on days like this I do start to think about God. I can't help it most of the time. It seems to be something that comes naturally. I don't know if it is like that for everyone but I have always found it easy to set my thoughts on Him. I have to admit that sometimes it can be a little uncomfortable. I mentioned in an earlier post that I can find it hard to express my feelings and that is no exception when it comes to my conversations with God.

When I start talking with Him I have no idea what He is going to say and sometimes that can unnerve me. I find it to be a gratifying challenge to open up to Him, though. For a moment my mind is immersed in thoughts of Him and not myself. I start to talk to Him about all of the things that are good in my life; my family, friends, a place to live, my puppy. And without realising it I have freed my heart of its loneliness. My God and I have become unified once again.

Anywho, I was just having one of those days today. If you find yourself feeling lonely challenge yourself to set your thoughts on Christ. I promise you that it will ease that feeling.

*I Love a Lonely Day
by Amy Grant

Monday, May 26, 2008

Being Alive

This is just a song that I really like. I like the words and the song itself is great! If I can find a way to do it I would love to put all the songs up that I have on here so you can hear them!

Being Alive

by Rachael Lampa

I don't wanna wake up in a crowded room
No room to move
Clowns to the left of me
Jokers sniffing helium from balloons
'Cause they got nothing better to do
You know those days when you can't hear above the noise
And all your doubts deployed
It's getting late and you're getting bored
With the status you cling to

Being alive is breathing in and breathing out
Being alive is knowing what you're gonna live for
It's knowing you got something you can't live without
Love love love love love love love

Do you ever wake up and find that you're
The only one that's standing still
Just part of the drill- no big deal
Today is just another thing to get through
And as the day goes passing by
I run down the list of all the things I meant to try
I meant to fly
I just never got around to it

So say you will, so say you won't give in when love comes
And when it does you're asking where will it come from
You will live long enough to learn, long as you have some
Love love love love love love love

Friday, May 16, 2008

Priceless friends

There is something so comforting about good friends. The joy of seeing one another after a long period of time and settling back into conversation as if you had just seen each other the day before. The deep sense of pride you have in a friend when they accomplished a life goal and the anticipation of watching them create new ones. There is also the comfort in knowing that you have someone to listen to you on the worst of days.

I have the pleasure of knowing two friends for a long period of time. My friend, Erynne, I have known for almost 13 years. Shannon I have known for nearly 12. These friends of mine rest very deep in my heart. I'm not sure what I would do without either one of them in my life. I am so deeply proud of them for their life accomplishments so far! Erynne is one year away from graduating with a BA and Shannon is a loving mother of an 15 month old son. How could I not be proud?

I have watched both of my friends go through pain and sadness and I've watched them go through times of extreme joy. I've seen them dig deep and search their inner beings to find out who they are and I have also seen them ground themselves in knowing just who they are and what they stand for. They are strong-willed and have strong hearts. They have both been through their share of tribulations but they have always come out stronger in the end.

I have learned many things from my dear, close friends. They have taught me to be bold. They have taught me to laugh, to love and to enjoy simple pleasures. They have taught me that it is okay to cry sometimes. I have also learned how to live stronger because of them. They may not realize it but I have also learned about God through them. Their beauty and grace have shown me Him in so many ways. I could not, and would not, replace their friendship for anything in this whole entire world. They are priceless.

The simple truth is: we fit!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Reaching and Being Faithful

I have recently come across a new artist. Her name is Brooke Fraser and she is from Australia. When I find a new artist that I like I take a lot of time to listen to their music and study their lyrics to really understand what they are singing about. It also helps me get an idea of who they are. All singers write from their heart; the lyrics come from somewhere deep within and carry a story with them. As I have been listening to her recently (frequently, I might add) I have picked up on one thing: she has a deep, unwavering faith. She speaks of feeling like she is not of this world, and that there is Hope coming for her one day. She lets us know that she has had days when she cannot "feel" God there, but she just knows that He is. She speaks of feeling responsible to make changes and share about problems in Rwanda stating that "faith without deeds is dead."

I am not the greatest with expressing myself. Especially in person. I get nervous and feel like my words will come out sounding petty and meaningless. So, to help with that insecurity I have turned to music to speak the words for me. I have never felt like it is cheating myself or the other person (or people) of what I really want to say, because, the song is saying it all for me. The person who wrote those words was feeling the same thing as I have in the moment that they wrote it (at least, that's what I tell myself.)

The following lyrics were written by Brooke and are an expression of how I have felt many, many times in my life. She speaks of trusting that God is there even when we may not be able to see or hear him. It is the ability to believe that He is there no matter what the circumstances in your life may be and reaching out for Him in any situation. I really like the imagery in this song and appreciate her words. They have touched and spoken for me and I hope that they might possibly have the same effect on you.

By Brooke Fraser

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms 'round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And i want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue,
Knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as lost to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

Friday, March 28, 2008


When will I be treated like an adult? When you're younger you dream about being an adult and finally being a part of that world. Well, when does that happen? When you're 20? 30? 40? 50? I'm almost 24 years old and I still feel many times like I have not yet entered that world of adulthood. Not by my standards, but by others. What is the standard? When I am a student, why do I automatically get clumped into the group that is made up of 17-18 year old freshman? I get treated like I know nothing; that I haven't experienced anything. This is just extremely unfair.

I'm not trying to be a complainer or whiner, I'm just tired of it all. I'm just ranting a little. I mean, if I was 20 years older then I am, would my superintendent say she was disappointed because of a miscommunication between us? Who says that? I am living here, paying rent to the property management (not her), we are quiet (we try hard to consider the couple beside us with young kids), we have only been one day late on our rent once, it has never bounced, we have been nice to our superintendent, I have never been rude back to is just ridiculous the way she treats us. I can bet you everything that she would never treat someone even 10 years older than us the same way.

This is what I mean by being treated like I'm still super young. I know that I still have many ways that I need to mature, I'm not arguing that at all. But where is the grace? Where is the room to grow and change? It makes me think of one Joy Williams song where she says "They say I am too young to really understand. They say I am too old to be where I am. They say just fit in and you'll be just fine. But I can't buy the lie." Has anyone else felt that way while they are young now or when you were young? When does this phase end? When will I get treated the age I feel and know I am?

Friday, March 21, 2008

He Is

I sang this song on Easter Sunday a few years ago with a friend. I have such a good memory of it and the lyrics are just wonderful. There is no song really like it.

He Is
by Aaron Geoffry

In Genesis, He's the breath of life
In Exodus, the Passover Lamb
In Leviticus, He's our High Priest
Numbers, The fire by night
Deuteronomy, He's Moses' voice
In Joshua, He is salvation's choice
Judges, law giver
In Ruth, the kinsmen-redeemer
First and second Samuel, our trusted prophet
In Kings and Chronicles, He's sovereign

Ezra, true and faithful scribe
Nehemiah, He's the re-builder of broken walls and lives
In Esther, He's Mordecai's courage
In Job, the timeless redeemer
In Psalms, He is our morning song

In Proverbs, wisdom's cry
Ecclesiastes, the time and season
In the Song of Solomon, He is the lover's dream

He is, He is, HE IS!

In Isaiah, He's Prince of Peace
Jeremiah, the weeping prophet
In Lamentations, the cry for Israel
Ezekiel, He's the call from sin
In Daniel, the stranger in the fire

In Hosea, He is forever faithful
In Joel, He's the Spirits power
In Amos, the arms that carry us
In Obadiah, He's the Lord our Savior
In Jonah, He's the great missionary

In Micah, the promise of peace
In Nahum, He is our strength and our shield
In Habakkuk and Zephaniah, He's pleading for revival
In Haggai, He restores a lost heritage
In Zechariah, our fountain

In Malachi, He is the son of righteousness rising with healing in His wings

He is, He is, HE IS!

In Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, He is God, Man, Messiah
In the book of Acts, He is fire from heaven
In Romans, He's the grace of God
In Corinthians, the power of love
In Galatians, He is freedom from the curse of sin

Ephesians, our glorious treasure
Philippians, the servants heart
In Colossians, He's the Godhead Trinity
Thessalonians, our coming King
In Timothy, Titus, Philemon He's our mediator and our faithful Pastor

In Hebrews, the everlasting covenant
In James, the one who heals the sick.
In First and Second Peter, he is our Shepherd
In John and in Jude, He is the lover coming for His bride
In the Revelation, He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords

He is, He is, HE IS!

The prince of peace
The Son of man
The Lamb of God
The great I AM

He's the alpha and omega
Our God and our Savior
He is Jesus Christ the Lord
and when time is no more
He is, HE IS!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


This is one of those songs that touches me so deeply that I know it will rest in my mind and heart forever. Every once and a while I will dust it off and think of the words and play it a couple times through. There is something so powerful about the words; something so honest. It is raw and full of rich phrases such as "righteous indignation" and "a finite mind". Pretty strong words for a girl who was only sixteen when she wrote the song.

Today I was just briefly talking with my brother about maturing and changing. I mentioned that it's strange how nothing is ever the same again, day after day. In this song I like how she mentions that she needs to be reminded of who she was so as not to be like that anymore. I feel like I need to look back on who I was at different times in my youth just to see how far I have come (you know, on those days where you feel like you haven't changed a bit.) I ask you to reflect on the words of the song and just let it remind you of your journey and changes. It's beautiful!

I have always been impressed with Bethany Dillon's writing talents from the first time I heard her debut album. I continue to be a fan of hers and would still love to see a show of hers one day. Until then, I will listen and soak up the wise words of her music.

by Bethany Dillon

I need to be reminded of who I was
When I took my first steps out the door

All I said now follows me around

I'm reminded I'm not like that anymore

I uprooted and miles behind me
Are the faces and the home I love
You've brought to my attention

I'm slowly changing and becoming

What I wanted to stop

Isn't that just like a finite mind

Setting out with such righteous indignation

But now I'm at your feet

Could you look at me with some imagination

The bush before me, I slip my sandals off

I only stopped to look
In the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great storm

I run, I run from you

Isn't that just like a finite mind
Setting out with such righteous indignation

But now I'm at your feet

Could you look at me with some imagination

So remind me why you woke me up

And why you wake me every morn

The staff in my hand

Held in by your love

Just stay close, stay close

Because I know my own mind

I set out with righteous indignation

But when I'm at your feet

Please look at me with some imagination

With some imagination

Monday, March 10, 2008

My Mother

My mother is full of grace and beauty;
Of truth and wisdom and faith

When looking in her eyes all you can see

is peace and true contentment

She may be small but she holds herself high

without a drop of pride

She's strong and bold, but easily hurt

when someone displaces her trust

She dances and sings to her very own tune

that she shares with only a few

She has her a man who beside her will stand

until the day she lays down

Her heart is a-flutter with hope to discover

the plan her God shows her each day

She carried and labored four children who love her

with every beat of their hearts

If it wasn't for my mother I would never know

how beautiful God can be

She's aging in body but look very closely

you'll see that her heart is still young

In all of the world I'm sure I won't find
a mother who is quite like mine

Monday, March 3, 2008

The Awakening Begins

I am anxiously awaiting Spring. I love when the snow starts to melt and the air smells like it is waking up. Everything is fresh and new and alive. I LOVE Spring. I am already seeing little signs of it:

When I wake up and the floor isn't cold to the touch.
When I look outside and joyously see that there is less snow on the ground than there was the day before.

When I can walk outside in a sweater and not feel a chill that reaches deep into my bones.

When I can start to wear my flip-flops!! :)

I look forward to it every year. I also love the Spring rains, the flowers starting to bloom, the awakening of the city again. Many little things that make this season so special.

I am also always reminded of the grace of God at this time. God could choose to give us the exact same day all year long, but he doesn't. He decided to make everywhere in the world different every single day. It's even different weather 2 hours away from me where my parent's live.

Sometimes there has to be death for life to be renewed. I strive to die to myself everyday so that God can make me new and beautiful and useful. Jesus became so full of sin on the cross that he had to die in order to create a path from us to God. How beautiful is that?

I think of a song by Bethany Dillon called "New". She says "You take an ordinary day and turn it into flowers like the month of May." Always makes me think of Spring and just how everything goes through a renewal process year after year, day after day, without fail. We do the same, it just might not always be as grand and visible as Springtime. But we are made new.

by Bethany Dillon

What is this sun that conquers mountains

Singing over what has been asleep?

What is it that softens all my doubting?

It's you

Morning brings a hunger for new eyes

That have been covered by the hurt of yesterday

Who could create in me the vision of a little child?
It's you

You take an ordinary day

And turn it into flowers like the month of May

Yes you do

You see all my pain

You cry over it for hours till I'm new again

Yes you do

When I have been a victim of familiarity

When my heart has fallen into sleep

Healing is the voice that awakens me

And it is you

You make me new

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Growing Tired...

I am growing sick and tired of eating junk. I look at people who weigh 300, 400, 500 pounds and I wonder how they can eat such horrible foods all the time. If I go through a day without having any vegetables, I feel like it was a waste of a day. I feel like I have done something terribly wrong and I know deep inside me that I'm much smarter then that.

I have done well (so far) today. I have had a yogurt, an organic burrito (non-dairy) and steamed edamame beans. I have taken my supplements which I had fallen out of the habit of taking and I feel great! I'm starting to get excited about healthy food again. Every time I fall into a funk and want bad food all the time, I eventually reach a point where I just can't do it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still love pizza and chocolate and everything in between, but my body doesn't. When I make poor choices I feel like I am failing my mind and my body. I know what is right, I believe certain foods are extremely bad for me, but at times I choose to poison my body with them anyway.

NO MORE!!! I am making a change. I feel like I am ready to.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

I Am Young...

The last couple of days I have been reading Amy Grant's "Mosaic: Pieces of My Life So Far" and many of the things that she talks about have touched me. She has talked about love, loss, fear, freedom and faith. There have been a couple of chapters I have read that have choked me up and there have been a few that have made me laugh. In all that I have read about her struggles, her pains, her sorrows, her joy and her happiness I have realised one thing...

I am young.

As I've removed myself from the world of being a teenager and stepped into the realm of being a young woman I have become more of a worrier. I allow little things to get to me and I analyze every detail of everything! I worry that I worry too much. Why am I wasting all of my time? Why can't I just enjoy life without getting upset with my husband about not putting his change on the dresser or without feeling like I have the most unruly hair in history?

I am young.

I have so much to offer. I have talents deep within me that have yet to reveal themselves to the world. I still don't even know what they are. They are nestled in the crevices of my mind; within my genetic make up. Sometimes I think about what they might be. Am I going to be the leader of a worship team one day? Am I actually going to learn to play more then memorized bits of a song on the piano? Am I going to be an organized mother? Am I going to be a memorable quilt maker (at least to my family)? Will I ever be crafty? Will I ever lead someone to Christ? Am I going to write a book one day? Is it all in me?

I am young.

I have so much life to live. Sometimes I feel like I've already experienced so many things that I don't know what else there is. Sometimes I am afraid of what life will bring. I've even thought maybe I don't want kids. Maybe I don't want to ruin what is so wonderful right now. I think it's just because I'm not ready yet. I'm just rambling on here, but it's just something I was thinking about today as I was reading. I have so much to look forward to.

I am young.

There will be times when I will want to open up my heart and rejoice with deepest gratitude. There will also be times when I want to bury my eyes and my soul from the world and figure it all out on my own. There will be times when I will grieve with every part of my being and I will not understand how I am waking up each day. There will be days when my heart feels like it's bursting with pure happiness and sunshine and I will not be able to contain it.
I am looking forward to each and every one of these days. Not because they are going to be mine and not because they will fill me with wisdom and experience but because they will be the truth. They will be me, every single day. No matter what the day holds I am me...always me. So much to look forward to.

I am young.

Monday, February 11, 2008

The Invisible Hand

Where will I end up if I don't lean on the One who created me and knows me inside out? Only He knows how I can get through my struggles. Only He can show me the next step. Only He can remove my guilt and fear and cast it aside so I no longer feel alone in all of this. He is my shoulder to lean on, my invisible hand to hold and my companion through all of life's situations whether good or bad.

"Hold Onto Jesus" by Steven Curtis Chapman

I have come to this ocean
And the waves of fear are starting to grow
The doubts and questions are rising with the tide
So I'm clinging to the one sure thing I know

I will hold on to the hand of my Savior
And I will hold on with all my might
I will hold loosely to things that are fleeting
And hold on to Jesus
I will hold on to Jesus for life

I've tried to hold many treasures
They just keep slipping through my fingers like sand
But there's one treasure that means more than breath itself
So I'm clinging to it with everything I am

Like a child holding on to a promise
I will cling to His word and believe
As I press on to take hold of that
for which Christ Jesus took hold of me

Thursday, February 7, 2008

What It All Means

You may not think that the songs I post have anything to do with my trying to lose weight. The thing is, they do. These songs are a representation of who I am and what I'm going through in my life. A good song can speak all the words that I can't find. It will make my heart feel like someone else in the world understands exactly what I'm feeling. It can make my heart feel that much closer to God.

So, the songs that I have posted represent where I am at in my life right now. Sometimes I feel like I don't know exactly how to explain my feelings, but, the song has all the right words. A song like "Something There" speaks of feeling like God still has a purpose for your life, even when you feel like you've failed in so many areas and like God doesn't have a use for you anymore. I have felt like that at times when it comes to gaining weight. I feel like I have tried so hard to change but I have also failed so many times. So as the song says, "if I'm breathing in, does that mean you still want me, that you still see something there." I am still here, I am still wanted and needed.

The songs I post hold a lot of personal meaning to me. I just thought that I should explain that to you. I will continue to post songs time and time again and I hope that you enjoy them. They may not have as deep of meaning to you as they do for me, but I hope that you can still appreciate them.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Beautiful Redemption

There is something about this song that really touches me. When she talks about acting just the same as so many people from the Bible it reminds me that I have acted the same as them too! We are all guilty of denial, doubt, betrayal, and immaturity. We have to remember, though, that we are loved no matter what. We are still God's child. I feel like I've been trying to really grasp this concept lately and I wonder if I'll ever really be able to fathom it all. I am loved. Three simple words that carry so much...and I can't understand them. One day, when I see my Father face to face I know that I will. Until then, I will enjoy the beauty of incomprehension.

Beautiful Redemption
by Joy Williams

I've had my forty days and forty nights at sea
I've had forty years in the wilderness, or so to speak
I've walked with sand from the ocean floor on my feet
To turn and say you left me

I'm a doubting Thomas in needing to believe
I'm a perfumed sinner just like Magdalene
I'm Judas kissing on your cheek eager to decieve
I am all of these

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

I'm the guilty thief that's hanging by your side
And my shame is dying with your sacrifice
And all my fears come crashing down as I look in your eyes
I see paradise

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Proper Diet + Exercise = Healthy Me

I seem to do a better job writing on this blog when I'm working then on my days off. Haha! Sorry that it's been a couple days.

Today was great! I had a girl's day that I had been needing for quite some time now. I went with a friend from work to see "27 Dresses" which was really cute. Then we went and shopped a bit and then had dinner. It was a blast! I got an exercise ball which I am very intentional about using. It may take me some time, but I know that it would help relieve some lower back pain. I didn't do so hot with my eating (what's new). For lunch today I had some leftover beef stew and a cookie. Then when we went to the movie I caved and had nachos and an overly huge Sprite. It was very delicious I might add. Nonetheless it will not aid in the loss of inches from my body.

I was thinking today that it's not necessarily the eating that's the problem but the motivation to exercise. I've never been a very active person. I was never in sports when I was younger. Well, that's not true. I joined the basketball team in grade 5. We had one practice and played one game (which we lost). And that was that. Since then I haven't been involved in any sports. Not because of that but because I just don't like them. I prefer going to the gym, honestly. I have a gym membership that I'm not even using. Who really likes to exercise? Seriously! But just with eating right I need to remember that it's only going to make my life easier and better. It's more about health. Will it just hit me one of these days in my head? Like those V8 commercials...I'm waiting for someone to come up and do that to me. Will someone do that please? lol.

Friday, January 25, 2008

My Current Theme Song

Something There
by Bethany Dillon

Am I a hopeless case?

You keep saying the same things
But is it on my face?
That it isn't sinking in
Like a homeless man tapping on a car window
I feel so disconnected but so in need to hear this
Do You still see

Something there, Yeah, yeah, yeah
Something there, Yeah, yeah, yeah
Something there, Yeah, yeah, yeah

I've never been good or brave enough to ask the question
If I'm breathing in does that mean
You still want me?
That You still see

Something there, Yeah, yeah, yeah
Something there, Yeah, yeah, yeah
Something there, Yeah, yeah, yeah

There are lines on my hands
This sky makes any heart beat faster
I'm breathing out and breathing in
I know that You see, I know that You see

Attack of the Late Night Munchies

Well, I have to say I did pretty well yesterday, according to me. I didn't over eat during the day, although my choices probably could have been a little better. I didn't actually have any breakfast, which is bad, but I got caught up in cleaning the kitchen. I also rearranged it so I have more counterspace now! YAY! Anywho, for lunch I had a bowl of my homemade beef stew. We ended up having a later supper. We had fresh tilapia filets coated in ground almonds and seasonings. We had blanched green beans on the side. It was delicious and filling! But for some reason, that wasn't enough. We then had brownies. He had a beer and I had some wine and before you knew it it was late and we wanted snacks. I think we need to go to bed earlier, then we will be less tempted. Nonetheless, I will admit that I love snack foods. I've always been a late night snacker. I LOVE snack foods. You should have seen all the food I had at New Years! If I snacked on veggies and hummus at 11 pm I wouldn't have to worry so much about gaining weight, but if I don't eat in a balancing way throughout the day then at night veggies and hummus just won't cut it.

I'm going to try and do better today. I'm going to make sure I get my green drink in. That always helps me stay steady throughout the day. I'll let you know tomorrow!

By the way, it seems like my puppy like to be a healthy eater too! He was just mowing down and loving green beans that I was feeding him yesterday! That's good to know!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


I am a Christian. I have a deep love for my Savior that cannot be replaced by anybody/anything. Sometimes, though, I think I go to food instead of Him. It's such an instant gratification. What is it that is making me go to food? Is it the fact that I am unhappy with my job? Is it because I dropped out of college and am afraid that if I start I will do the same thing again? Is it because I don't know what I want to do in college? Is it because I know for a fact that there is something sad that will happen in my future? Is it because I am overweight and am self-concious about that? Even though it's the thing I dislike most about myself it drives me to eat more because I'm upset about it.

I spoke to my mom today and she said that I shouldn't feel like I'm bad and that I shouldn't beat myself up about it. You know, she's right! When I do that it just makes me feel worse and then I end up eating more. It's a vicious cycle!

I am constantly amazed at the intricate design of our bodies. We are made in such a way that if one part of us isn't working properly, nothing else will do it's part to it's fullest. Everything in our body is linked to each other. If our blood sugar levels are low we become (well, at least I do) grumpy, irritated, tired, emotional, and we crave foods that are bad for us. When my blood sugar is completely level I am happy, contented, satisfied, on track with my healthy eating and I am energetic. All because my body is working together to feed me the proper nutrition.

I know all the right stuff. I know the foods that will give me energy, the ones that will make me full and the ones that will even out my blood sugar levels. I was even sharing information with my friend today about keeping our bodies alkaline and what foods are more alkalizing and which ones are more acidic. I KNOW the information I'm just taking my sweet time following it. What am I afraid of? It sounds weird, but even though I want to lose weight there is a part of me that is afraid to let it go. It has been my comfort, my hiding place. I need to give that all up and make Jesus my hiding place again. I need to take care of this life that He has graciously given me. I am undeserving. I don't want to take this gift given to me and horde it all. I am meant to share my life with others and that means taking care of myself so that I have something to share.

Anywho, my insights for the day. I'll have more tomorrow! Until then...a song that inspired me today. It's not about eating but about giving back to God what He has given us. Enjoy!

Breathing the Breath by Matt Redman

We have nothing to give
That didn't first come from Your hands
We have nothing to offer You
Which You did not provide
Every good, perfect gift comes from
Your kind and gracious heart
And all we do is give back to You
What always has been Yours

Lord, we're breathing the breath
That You gave us to breathe
To worship You, to worship You
And we're singing these songs
With the very same breath
To worship You, to worship You

Who has given to You
That it should be paid back to him?
Who has given to You
As if You needed anything?
From You, and to You, and through You
Come all things, O Lord
And all we do is give back to You
What always has been Yours

Monday, January 21, 2008

Okay...Not So Hot

Well, since I wrote my first post (I guess that was only two days ago), I haven't done so hot. I have gained a certain affinity for sweets recently and it seems like nothing will cut it! I know that I need to just cut it out altogether and leave it behind me, but chocolate is just soooo good! I also have a problem with snacks in general. Like tortilla chips with salsa mixed in sour cream, Ruffles plain ripple chips dipped in PC French Onion Dip, pizza pockets...yum!

Now, my problem is, I KNOW how bad these are for me! Before, during, and after I eat them I think about the ingredients and know what they are doing to me!! But does that stop me?! NO! I let the fact that it tastes so good take over. What happens to me usually is I do well for a lot of the day and then I crash and burn in the evening. For instance, yesterday I had a healthy breakfast, I had my green drink, for lunch I had raw veggies and hummus but then I had chips and salsa and chocolate lastnight! I'm sitting here eating caramels. They're good, but do I feel good when I wake up in the morning and look at my puffy face and stomach in the morning?

So, why do I do this? Why do I look at myself in the morning and not like what I see yet still eat this way? Why does it seem to be SO hard? Is there something in me that I have buried deep inside and somehow my addiction to food is my cover up? Why can I not stop thinking about food?! It's on my mind all the time! I keep hoping that one of these days it will just fly out of my mind and never return. It just doesn't seem fair. Do other people have this problem? Are there others who can't stop thinking about food?

Well, tomorrow is a new day. Everyday I wake up thinking that it is a new opportunity to do well with my eating. Somedays I succeed, somedays I fail. I just want to be healthy. It's not even so much about the weight. I want to know that my heart and my body are working well.

It's my weekend. I'm going to enjoy it and preoccupy myself so I won't think about food. I'll make myself less sedentary. I'll take my dog for a walk, go shopping, mail letters, call my mom...I'll make it a busy day. Hopefully that will help!

I'll let you know!

Sunday, January 20, 2008

My weight journey in a nutshell

I don't know if you've ever seen the Quaker's oatmeal commercials where the people have the scales chained to their ankles, but sometimes it really can feel like that. You feel like no matter what you do you can't get your weight off of your mind. I have struggled with this problem for so long that I feel it is just a part of me. I carry it with me everywhere I go and it is with me in the choices I make. I look at other people and see their weight. It's not a judgemental thing, it's more of a self concious thing. I look at them and think either "Are they thinner then me?" or "Are they bigger then me?" The answer is always "yes".

I am not an overly big girl. I am 250, but seem to carry it well. At least, that's what I lead myself to believe. I don't have too many recent pictures of myself because I don't want any. I have found a comfortable place behind the camera. I haven't always been's been a weight journey that has gotten me to this place. There are many factors involved.

When I was younger I was always a little bit chubby. My brothers were all skinny little guys and I was the chubby kid sister. Although, I wasn't chubby compared to some of the young kids today (which chills me to the bone). I started to thin out around seventh grade and then started to gain weight in grade 10. For the next couple years it was a steady climb. It must have been the stress from school and wanting to be accepted. When I'm stressed/nervous/scared/lonely I turn to food. I am a comfort eater. After high school I lost a ton of weight and within one summer I put it all back on. I decided then that I needed to really do something about this and got serious. I lost all of the weight I had regained and kept it off for about a year.

Then I went to college. Now, if you ever need to put any weight ON, go to college/university! lol. This is where I met my husband. We were both thin and fit. He was a runner, I was a healthy eater. We were a good match. Well, let me tell you, dating at a small Bible college is extremely stressful and before we knew it we both started to put on weight. By the time we got married that summer after my first year, I had already gained 25 pounds! After that we went through some pretty stressful situations. I went through a mild depression, we left school in January, we moved in with his parents, his grandmother passed away soon after, we moved after five months in a motel and then we finally found an apartment. It's a lot to go through in one year. And as I mentioned earlier, I am a comfort eater. I wouldn't necessarily say that I am a binge eater, but a times I do. Needless to say, we have both put on weight and have reached numbers that neither of us have ever seen before!

So, I have decided that it is time to do something about it. I have recently lost 15 pounds (putting some back on through the Christmas season) but I need to lose more. I am starting this blog to chronicle my weight losses and gains. I am going to be brutally honest and I am going to share details of my eating, emotions, thoughts and everything else I feel like talking about. I recently read an article in People about 3 women who joined an online chat club and lost 292 pounds in total between the 3 of them. I know this isn't a chat club (I'm not sure if anyone is ever going to read this anyway) but I thought that maybe, just maybe, it might help me in my journey. This way I have someone/something to be accountable to.

So, that is my weight journey (so far) in a nutshell. I am going to start my day with a healthy brown and wild rice with tomato and avacado breakfast and be positive about the day ahead of me. That's what I have to's what I always have to do!