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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Time Off

Some weeks are full of opposite shifts, daycare, running around, paying bills, barely having enough for groceries, tired, cranky children and tired, cranky parents.

Then there are weeks that are full of love and life. Paul and I have been at my parent's house since Saturday and it's been so relaxing and ultimately uneventful. I love that. My parents get some quality time with their grandson and I get a little bit of a break from having to keep an eye on him every single minute of the day. There's also games of Yahtzee, hot coffee and great conversation. We've been to the Fair, celebrated "Gwampa's" birthday and found some good deals at second-hand shops.

Throwing rocks in the water

Paulie and Mommy

I'm on vacation for two weeks (sixteen days to be exact) and am loving every single moment. I haven't had any vacation since I went back to work over a year ago. It actually all fell into place perfectly. Our daycare provider had her baby today (congrats, Sam!) and is off for two weeks and I just got a new job I start Oct. 3rd. That's right, brand spanking new. I'm moving from women's clothing into children's clothing (dangerous.) It's a better position and better pay. I'm excited for the change but I'm also kind of nervous - who isn't when facing a new job?

Another thing I'm excited about is a new baby! We are expecting again and I'm due March 24th. Only 4.5 more weeks till we find out what it is! Boy? Girl? What's your guess? Until then I am content just knowing that it's growing (boy oh boy is it growing) and healthy.

So, as I spend the morning hanging out with mom at her work I feel thankful and blessed to get this time. I like feeling free to say "whatever...we've got all the time we want." I'm soaking up all this beautiful transitional fall weather and making the most of it. Today is shopping and Pad Thai for lunch (something I save for trips "home") with my mom. Lovely day it is, then :)

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

6 Months Ago

Six months ago I was growing a baby in my belly. It had a beating heart and a brain. It had little hands and feet. It was going to grow up to be someone special - someone great. At least in my mind it was.

Six months ago I was looking forward to August 31st. It was a prominent date in my mind. It still is, but in a very different way. I have been dreading it. That date will now always remind me of the baby that didn't get to be; that never got a chance. I will probably always be just a little bit sad on that day.

There is a silver lining, though. There is now a new little one getting the chance to grow and become someone special right inside me. I have seen it. I saw it wiggle and was told it had a heart beat of 171 bpm. I am 10 weeks and 3 days.

I am grateful to be able to face this day knowing that God has special plans for a different child in our lives. One that will be just as great.

Friday, August 12, 2011

TWO!

My son is two today! When did that happen? I remember my first post about being pregnant - seems like yesterday!

He is such a delight. Words are spilling out of him so fast and it just blows us away. We've been teaching him that it's his birthday and he's two - he loves saying it: "Birtday - TWO!" We feel so lucky and blessed to have him...every single day :)

Just a few days old

First Birthday

Two years old!


Today is also my wedding anniversary! 5 years I have been married to a wonderful, charming, thoughtful, loving man. I am amazed every day that he chooses to love me. I feel so undeserving of his love.

Happy Anniversary, my dear husband - with all that I am and will be :)

2006

2011

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Our Song

Our 5 year anniversary is approaching.

This is our song :)





There's a melody in my head
And I ain't stopped hummin' it since I saw your face
There's a feeling I can't forget
It started with you kissing me that way
And there's no end in sight
Like an Oklahoma wheat field blowin'
You've got my heart in motion, and I'm gone
I'm the pinks and you're the reds
Just like this sunset, we belong
And there's no end in sight

How high is the sky
How long is time
With you it's how I'm spending mine
Like there is no end in sight
I wanna laugh
I wanna live
I'm gonna love you like there is, like there is no end in sight

So kick your shoes off, stay awhile
Ain't nothing here but stars for miles and me
We're standing on the edge of something
Not afraid of jumpin' in deep
And there's no end in sight

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Melancholy

I'm having a melancholy day. It's hard to explain and deeply personal but on a general level do you ever have those days? You get wrapped up in your mind and it's a battlefield that you feel you can't get out of? That's my day today. I always like to listen to this song when I feel that way:


Patty Griffin
RAIN

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm still alive underneath this shroud
Rain Rain Rain

Friday, June 24, 2011

Guesting

Hey everyone!

I know it's been a while since I finished my 30 day challenge but I've been busy! Today I am guest posting over at my friend Amy's blog. Feel free to check it out!

http://amyfortherest.blogspot.com

Make sure you also check out all of her other posts, too!

Friday, May 20, 2011

DAY THIRTY - YOUR FAVORITE SONG AT THIS TIME LAST YEAR

We started attending a new church last April and we sang this song one Sunday. I fell in love with it and even more so when I found out it was penned and sung by one of my favorite singers! I still love it but it was definitely my fave this time last year.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

DAY TWENTY EIGHT - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GUILTY

I have never gone on a missions trip before but I think it would be amazing!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

DAY TWENTY SEVEN - A SONG YOU WISH YOU COULD PLAY

DAY TWENTY SIX - A SONG THAT YOU CAN PLAY ON AN INSTRUMENT

This is the only song that I can barely play (and it's only partially) on piano.

DAY TWENTY FIVE - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH

I know there's a little bit of language but this is SOOOOO funny!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

DAY TWENTY FOUR - A SONG THAT YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL

I know it has a melancholy feel but the lyrics and message are just so beautiful.

DAY TWENTY THREE - A SONG THAT YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR WEDDING

I married the most wonderful man in the world almost 5 years ago and this was the song my best friend sang.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

DAY TWENTY TWO - A SONG THAT YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE SAD

It doesn't ever pertain to any situation I'm going through but I love the melancholy melody of this song. It's perfectly mellow and beautiful. You can just hear it all in her voice.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

DAY TWENTY - A SONG THAT YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY

I don't generally listen to songs when I'm angry...but I guess if I did it would be this one. I dare this not to get you out of a bad mood!

Monday, May 9, 2011

DAY NINETEEN - A SONG FROM YOUR FAVORITE ALBUM

I have bought and listened to so many albums but the one that I love the most is Amy Grant's "Lead Me On." The lyrics, the music, everything about it is just fantastic. I get sucked into the album and wish that I had written all the songs myself! This song is the opening track - it reminds me of camp experiences I've had.

DAY EIGHTEEN - A SONG THAT YOU WISH YOU HEARD ON THE RADIO

I could listen to this 10 times a day and not be sick of it!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

DAY SEVENTEEN - A SONG THAT YOU HEAR OFTEN ON THE RADIO

A classic in my mind - I don't mind hearing it!

Friday, May 6, 2011

DAY SIXTEEN - A SONG YOU USED TO LOVE BUT NOW HATE

Hate is a strong word. Especially for a worship song. From going to camp and singing this for many years I have grown so tired of it. A lot of these songs are so repetitive and I can't stand that.

Lord, I Lift Your Name on High

Thursday, May 5, 2011

DAY FIFTEEN - A SONG THAT DESCRIBES YOU

I'm sure this song would describe a lot of people. It's our human flaw to rush and rush because we're so impatient. I need to slow down and focus my eyes on what God has blessed me with every single day.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

DAY FOURTEEN - A SONG THAT NO ONE WOULD EXPECT YOU TO LOVE

I have always loved this song. I don't know why, but I have!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Monday, May 2, 2011

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Saturday, April 30, 2011

DAY TEN - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU FALL ASLEEP

I love it but I can easily fall asleep to it!

DAY NINE - A SONG THAT YOU CAN DANCE TO

OH YA!!

DAY EIGHT - A SONG THAT YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO

How can you NOT know all the words to this? lol!

DAY SEVEN - A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF A CERTAIN EVENT

When I was in grade 10 or 11 I joined a community choir with my dad. I was only with them for one season. We performed John Rutter's Requiem. It was beautiful and such a joy to be a part of. We rocked it, too! This is one of my favorites from me and it takes me right back to that performance every time.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

DAY SIX - A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF SOMEWHERE

This song reminds me of my old apartment I shared with my best friend 8 years ago. I got this album while I was living there and I played it a lot - it held a lot of meaning at the time. Whenever I hear this song (or any song from that album) it just transports me back there. That was a great year!




Monday, April 25, 2011

DAY FIVE - A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF SOMEONE

When I was 17, after I graduated high school, I moved down to Illinois to live with my cousin and her husband. I worked at the Christian book store, helped out with the youth group and was on the worship team some Sundays at church. Whenever my cousin lead worship I was on the team. She introduced us to this song and we sang it one Sunday. Now whenever I hear it I think of her and that wonderful, life-changing time in my life!


Sunday, April 24, 2011

DAY FOUR - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU SAD

Just breaks my heart. Every time.

DAY THREE - A SONG THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY

This was our recessional at our wedding. How could this NOT make me happy? :)


Friday, April 22, 2011

DAY TWO - YOUR LEAST FAVORITE SONG

I hear this song every day at work. At least twice. I've heard it that often since I was working at my other job - 2 1/2 years ago! I can't STAND it!




Thursday, April 21, 2011

Day One - Your Favorite Song

Okay...this is really hard. I checked my iTunes Most Played but since I had to delete it and re-download it recently it's not accurate. So, I'm going to go with Brooke Fraser's CS Lewis Song. The lyrics are fantastic and the song itself is just beautiful. Listen to the words - I think you'll love it too! I wouldn't say it's my most favorite of favorites but it sure is up there!




Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Transformation and Renewal

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:1-2


It's been a long week. That's really an understatement, but what else can I call it? It wasn't the best week ever but it wasn't the week from hell. I didn't lose myself in the sadness of it all nor did I become consumed with anger. I've had my moments, sure (who wouldn't), but I feel like I've accepted that life still carries on whether I want it to or not.

Transformation. Renewal. Those are powerful words. I think that people go through those processes every day and don't even realize it. I realized it this week. My life went through a big change. I woke up on the 22nd with the knowledge that come August I will be on Mat Leave and come Christmas time we will have a sweet little 3.5 month old. We were going to be a family of four and Paul would be a big brother. By that evening all of that had been washed away. Suddenly I had to completely change the way I view my entire life. It's as if everything was put on hold.

I have had to transform my mind. Everyday. I have to wake up and try not to think about it all. I tell myself that this miscarriage doesn't define me. It's interesting, though...maybe it's a maturity thing. Life carries on around us day in, day out. When something happens that alters our day to day life we have to transform our minds to carry on with our "normal" life. Any little bump in the road and we train ourselves to continue moving forward. We do it every day without evening thinking about it.

The renewing can sometimes take longer. It takes tears and anger and questions. The renewing takes place in those moments of realization that your life is no longer the same. You stop and think "things are different. They have changed. What can I do to overcome this?" It's a journey of self-discovery, really. Everyone goes through it at a different pace and in different ways. For me, getting my hair cut today was a part of my renewal process. I needed an outward change to represent the change that has happened inside of me.

Am I the same person? Yes and no. I am still me, but, a slightly different version of me. I am a little bit wiser, a little bit hurt, but still just as loved. I don't have all the answers but I don't need them. My life is still as beautiful as it was the morning of the 22nd. I am still surrounded by all those that love me; my husband, my son, my parents, brothers, family and friends. Each one of them has experienced their own process of transformation and renewal. Day in, day out. For if we didn't experience it, how could we really grow and test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will?

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Inklings

My mom had a miscarriage between her first two children. She was around 11 weeks. She told me that she's always thought of that baby as a boy and his name is John. She also admitted that she would never have named a child that, so it's kind of strange.

I think our baby was a girl. For some reason I think of her as Marianna. That name was never on my list for a girl and now it never will be - it's been given away. :)

Whether it was a girl or a boy shouldn't make a difference but somehow it does. It actually makes me feel more connected to her; like she really was a part of our lives.

And she was. A big part.

Friday, February 25, 2011

I Will Carry You

I came across this song on a blog my mom sent me to: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/. She and her husband lost a daughter (who was born and lived for a couple of hours.) This song represented how she was feeling and even though I never carried my baby physically in my arms, it was in my womb and my heart. I started shedding tears after the first line. In this moment, I feel like it also represents how I feel.


I Will Carry You
by Angie Smith

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

Anxiety

I have to go back to work today. It's a short 3 hour shift but I am feeling some very unwelcome anxiety over it. My heart has been racing for a few hours and I can't sleep.

I feel like I'm not ready to face the world. The only people I have seen since "it" happened are my parents and my father-in-law (apart from Dan and Paul, of course.) I know that my co-workers will meet me with hugs and words of sympathy and encouragement, but for some reason that doesn't sound appealing. I know it should, and ultimately it will, but right now in my mind it is the last thing I want. I am in my own cocoon right now. It's so easy to hide away and just let this be my own thing. I don't have to do anything I don't want to.

I need to go back, though. Life needs to go on. Whether I stay holed up in my house or go greet customers and help them buy clothes, life will go on. It's painful to think of. A part of me feels like moving forward is acting like my baby didn't exist; like it never had a heart beat or kicked it's little legs inside me. Deep down I know this isn't true. I know that I will never, ever forget how excited we were for this baby and how we celebrated it with every fiber of our beings. It was loved and no amount of moving forward can take that away.

I have no clue what happened. At some point during some day my baby's heart stopped beating. Something went wrong. Looking back I've realized that the last week and a half my belly didn't grow. So, it could've happened long before I knew it. In some odd way I find comfort in the not knowing. The fact that there is nothing I could have done to stop it and every single part of it all was out of my control gives me a sense of peace. It wasn't in my plans but it was in God's.

I am a true believer in that. It's not just "there's a reason for everything" or "God has a plan" saying, it's a deeply embedded truth that I believe in. I trust that God created my body to know what to do when something isn't right. He knew what he was doing when he made me. Now, I do wish he would slow my heart down and tell my body to go to sleep. ;)

I think I'll try again. Paul woke up an hour and a half ago and he still hasn't gone back to sleep. Maybe I'll try cuddling with him. That usually cheers me up.

I am also going to leave you with lyrics to a song that's comforting right now.


I Will Rest In You
by Jaci Velasquez

Lord, I'm in the dark,
Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.
No one there, the sky is falling;

Lord, I need to know.
My mind is playing games again,
You're right where You have always been.

Take me back to You,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.

Tell me I'm a fool,
Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,
And comfort me like only You can,
And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.

Take me back to You,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.

Take me back to You.
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

A Little Bit of Anger

I can't help it. I feel a little angry. I think the day it happened I was in shock. Throughout yesterday all the questions and emotions started to slowly take over me.

The ever bitter "why." Why me? Why now? Why at 3 months? Why not 6 weeks? Why do I have to go through this?

There aren't just questions, but general life things. I just bought a brand new pair of maternity pants for work on Saturday...and I have a pair on hold. They're hanging there in a closet waiting to hug my belly as it grows. Last week on the calender I wrote in little numbers in the corner of every Wednesday through August what week I would be in. I also filled out on August 31st "LBW #2 DUE!!" Now I need a new calender. On Friday I filled out my Maternity Leave form for work. I took the time to figure out the dates and when I wanted to start. I can still picture the last words on the cover letter: "HAVE A HAPPY AND HEALTHY PREGNANCY!" Well, I now have neither. Everyone knows, too. Everyone! What do I say? What do I do? How do I tell people "oh, that baby? Ya, that's not happening anymore."

Maybe I'm sounding harsh. I am SO grateful for the beautiful, healthy boy that is walking around and making me laugh during this hard time. I am thankful and appreciate every moment that I have with him. I'm just a little angry...and I'm going to allow myself to be. Just for a bit.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

God's Plan vs Our Plan

Well, God had a different plan in mind for us today.

We lost the baby. 12 weeks and 6 days. Almost 13.

Right now I am very exhausted, physically and emotionally so I don't have many tears yet. I had quite a few on the way home from the ER. I'm taking tomorrow (and possibly more days) off from work to recover from it all.

I'd like to write more tonight but I just don't think I have the words in me...

Monday, February 21, 2011

Nostalgia and Hormones

Do you ever wonder where you went? You ask yourself "where did the me go that used to drop money on a painting because it made me feel good?" or "where did the me go who was daring to try a new recipe with ingredients I hadn't even heard of?" or "where did the me go that just sat and listened to a new, whole cd that I was dying to hear?"

Sometimes I ask these things of myself. At times I feel like I am not the same person I was. I think of how different I was 10 years ago. 5. 3. Even 1. I liked different things: music, clothes, food. What happened to me?

I am still here. I am Morgan. I am the same person I have always been. My personality is the same, it is my likes and dislikes that have changed. I still adore music. I still enjoy trying new foods and recipes. I always have and always will like the basics when it comes to clothes.

My life is full of different things now. My focus has shifted. I have a husband, a toddler, a job, a house, another child on the way...what is important in my life has changed. I don't have the freedom to cruise the grocery aisles and think about what only I want. I can't spend money on a few drinks at the bar with friends when I feel like it. I can't just save up for 6 months and fly out to Seattle to visit family whenever I like.

For the most part, I don't miss that. Of course there are tiny moments when I would love to do any one of those things but I like my life now. I like the (semi) structure of it all. I have people who depend on me and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter, sister, friend, co-worker. I am not defined by any one of those individually but they all combine to represent me as a whole.

I have nostalgic moments, like anyone else (and I'm sure listening to an old mix cd from college doesn't help,) but the moments are just that; nostalgia. I enjoy looking back and being sentimental and reminiscing on wonderful, beautiful times in my life because those memories have led to the shaping of who I am now. They are bits and pieces that I picked up along the way and fit into my heart and soul.

I feel like I may be starting to ramble a bit. I also feel like I haven't completely conveyed what Ireally want to say. I guess it's probably just my pregnancy hormones (almost 13 weeks!!) that are causing me to think about this, but I feel it's important to touch on sometimes. I hope someone out there understands what I'm trying to say!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Yup...I done it again!


I am 9 weeks.
I'm due August 31st.
We are PSYCHED!