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Thursday, February 24, 2011

A Little Bit of Anger

I can't help it. I feel a little angry. I think the day it happened I was in shock. Throughout yesterday all the questions and emotions started to slowly take over me.

The ever bitter "why." Why me? Why now? Why at 3 months? Why not 6 weeks? Why do I have to go through this?

There aren't just questions, but general life things. I just bought a brand new pair of maternity pants for work on Saturday...and I have a pair on hold. They're hanging there in a closet waiting to hug my belly as it grows. Last week on the calender I wrote in little numbers in the corner of every Wednesday through August what week I would be in. I also filled out on August 31st "LBW #2 DUE!!" Now I need a new calender. On Friday I filled out my Maternity Leave form for work. I took the time to figure out the dates and when I wanted to start. I can still picture the last words on the cover letter: "HAVE A HAPPY AND HEALTHY PREGNANCY!" Well, I now have neither. Everyone knows, too. Everyone! What do I say? What do I do? How do I tell people "oh, that baby? Ya, that's not happening anymore."

Maybe I'm sounding harsh. I am SO grateful for the beautiful, healthy boy that is walking around and making me laugh during this hard time. I am thankful and appreciate every moment that I have with him. I'm just a little angry...and I'm going to allow myself to be. Just for a bit.


zclanglois said...

Hey Morgs,
I completely understand the anger and depression. They are natural. When it happened to me the hardest thing was telling the kids at school because they really could not understand. Believe me it does get a lot easier to tell people, and to tell yourself. I am happy you are allowing yourself to really feel these emotions because I didn't for about a week and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Love you,