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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Transformation and Renewal

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:1-2

It's been a long week. That's really an understatement, but what else can I call it? It wasn't the best week ever but it wasn't the week from hell. I didn't lose myself in the sadness of it all nor did I become consumed with anger. I've had my moments, sure (who wouldn't), but I feel like I've accepted that life still carries on whether I want it to or not.

Transformation. Renewal. Those are powerful words. I think that people go through those processes every day and don't even realize it. I realized it this week. My life went through a big change. I woke up on the 22nd with the knowledge that come August I will be on Mat Leave and come Christmas time we will have a sweet little 3.5 month old. We were going to be a family of four and Paul would be a big brother. By that evening all of that had been washed away. Suddenly I had to completely change the way I view my entire life. It's as if everything was put on hold.

I have had to transform my mind. Everyday. I have to wake up and try not to think about it all. I tell myself that this miscarriage doesn't define me. It's interesting, though...maybe it's a maturity thing. Life carries on around us day in, day out. When something happens that alters our day to day life we have to transform our minds to carry on with our "normal" life. Any little bump in the road and we train ourselves to continue moving forward. We do it every day without evening thinking about it.

The renewing can sometimes take longer. It takes tears and anger and questions. The renewing takes place in those moments of realization that your life is no longer the same. You stop and think "things are different. They have changed. What can I do to overcome this?" It's a journey of self-discovery, really. Everyone goes through it at a different pace and in different ways. For me, getting my hair cut today was a part of my renewal process. I needed an outward change to represent the change that has happened inside of me.

Am I the same person? Yes and no. I am still me, but, a slightly different version of me. I am a little bit wiser, a little bit hurt, but still just as loved. I don't have all the answers but I don't need them. My life is still as beautiful as it was the morning of the 22nd. I am still surrounded by all those that love me; my husband, my son, my parents, brothers, family and friends. Each one of them has experienced their own process of transformation and renewal. Day in, day out. For if we didn't experience it, how could we really grow and test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will?