Anxiety

I have to go back to work today. It's a short 3 hour shift but I am feeling some very unwelcome anxiety over it. My heart has been racing for a few hours and I can't sleep.

I feel like I'm not ready to face the world. The only people I have seen since "it" happened are my parents and my father-in-law (apart from Dan and Paul, of course.) I know that my co-workers will meet me with hugs and words of sympathy and encouragement, but for some reason that doesn't sound appealing. I know it should, and ultimately it will, but right now in my mind it is the last thing I want. I am in my own cocoon right now. It's so easy to hide away and just let this be my own thing. I don't have to do anything I don't want to.

I need to go back, though. Life needs to go on. Whether I stay holed up in my house or go greet customers and help them buy clothes, life will go on. It's painful to think of. A part of me feels like moving forward is acting like my baby didn't exist; like it never had a heart beat or kicked it's little legs inside me. Deep down I know this isn't true. I know that I will never, ever forget how excited we were for this baby and how we celebrated it with every fiber of our beings. It was loved and no amount of moving forward can take that away.

I have no clue what happened. At some point during some day my baby's heart stopped beating. Something went wrong. Looking back I've realized that the last week and a half my belly didn't grow. So, it could've happened long before I knew it. In some odd way I find comfort in the not knowing. The fact that there is nothing I could have done to stop it and every single part of it all was out of my control gives me a sense of peace. It wasn't in my plans but it was in God's.

I am a true believer in that. It's not just "there's a reason for everything" or "God has a plan" saying, it's a deeply embedded truth that I believe in. I trust that God created my body to know what to do when something isn't right. He knew what he was doing when he made me. Now, I do wish he would slow my heart down and tell my body to go to sleep. ;)

I think I'll try again. Paul woke up an hour and a half ago and he still hasn't gone back to sleep. Maybe I'll try cuddling with him. That usually cheers me up.

I am also going to leave you with lyrics to a song that's comforting right now.

I Will Rest In You

by Jaci Velasquez

Lord, I'm in the dark,
Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.
No one there, the sky is falling;

Lord, I need to know.
My mind is playing games again,
You're right where You have always been.

Take me back to You,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.

Tell me I'm a fool,
Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,
And comfort me like only You can,
And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.

Take me back to You,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.

Take me back to You.
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.