My Mother

My mother is full of grace and beauty;
Of truth and wisdom and faith

When looking in her eyes all you can see
is peace and true contentment

She may be small but she holds herself high
without a drop of pride

She's strong and bold, but easily hurt
when someone displaces her trust

She dances and sings to her very own tune
that she shares with only a few

She has her a man who beside her will stand
until the day she lays down

Her heart is a-flutter with hope to discover
the plan her God shows her each day

She carried and labored four children who love her
with every beat of their hearts

If it wasn't for my mother I would never know
how beautiful God can be

She's aging in body but look very closely
you'll see that her heart is still young

In all of the world I'm sure I won't find
a mother who is quite like mine

The Awakening Begins

I am anxiously awaiting Spring. I love when the snow starts to melt and the air smells like it is waking up. Everything is fresh and new and alive. I LOVE Spring. I am already seeing little signs of it:

When I wake up and the floor isn't cold to the touch.
When I look outside and joyously see that there is less snow on the ground than there was the day before.
When I can walk outside in a sweater and not feel a chill that reaches deep into my bones.
When I can start to wear my flip-flops!! :)

I look forward to it every year. I also love the Spring rains, the flowers starting to bloom, the awakening of the city again. Many little things that make this season so special.

I am also always reminded of the grace of God at this time. God could choose to give us the exact same day all year long, but he doesn't. He decided to make everywhere in the world different every single day. It's even different weather 2 hours away from me where my parent's live.

Sometimes there has to be death for life to be renewed. I strive to die to myself everyday so that God can make me new and beautiful and useful. Jesus became so full of sin on the cross that he had to die in order to create a path from us to God. How beautiful is that?

I think of a song by Bethany Dillon called "New". She says "You take an ordinary day and turn it into flowers like the month of May." Always makes me think of Spring and just how everything goes through a renewal process year after year, day after day, without fail. We do the same, it just might not always be as grand and visible as Springtime. But we are made new.

New by Bethany Dillon

What is this sun that conquers mountains
Singing over what has been asleep?
What is it that softens all my doubting?
It's you

Morning brings a hunger for new eyes
That have been covered by the hurt of yesterday
Who could create in me the vision of a little child?
It's you

You take an ordinary day
And turn it into flowers like the month of May
Yes you do
You see all my pain
You cry over it for hours till I'm new again
Yes you do

When I have been a victim of familiarity
When my heart has fallen into sleep
Healing is the voice that awakens me
And it is you

You make me new

Growing Tired...

I am growing sick and tired of eating junk. I look at people who weigh 300, 400, 500 pounds and I wonder how they can eat such horrible foods all the time. If I go through a day without having any vegetables, I feel like it was a waste of a day. I feel like I have done something terribly wrong and I know deep inside me that I'm much smarter then that.

I have done well (so far) today. I have had a yogurt, an organic burrito (non-dairy) and steamed edamame beans. I have taken my supplements which I had fallen out of the habit of taking and I feel great! I'm starting to get excited about healthy food again. Every time I fall into a funk and want bad food all the time, I eventually reach a point where I just can't do it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still love pizza and chocolate and everything in between, but my body doesn't. When I make poor choices I feel like I am failing my mind and my body. I know what is right, I believe certain foods are extremely bad for me, but at times I choose to poison my body with them anyway.

NO MORE!!! I am making a change. I feel like I am ready to.

I Am Young...

The last couple of days I have been reading Amy Grant's "Mosaic: Pieces of My Life So Far" and many of the things that she talks about have touched me. She has talked about love, loss, fear, freedom and faith. There have been a couple of chapters I have read that have choked me up and there have been a few that have made me laugh. In all that I have read about her struggles, her pains, her sorrows, her joy and her happiness I have realised one thing...

I am young.

As I've removed myself from the world of being a teenager and stepped into the realm of being a young woman I have become more of a worrier. I allow little things to get to me and I analyze every detail of everything! I worry that I worry too much. Why am I wasting all of my time? Why can't I just enjoy life without getting upset with my husband about not putting his change on the dresser or without feeling like I have the most unruly hair in history?

I am young.

I have so much to offer. I have talents deep within me that have yet to reveal themselves to the world. I still don't even know what they are. They are nestled in the crevices of my mind; within my genetic make up. Sometimes I think about what they might be. Am I going to be the leader of a worship team one day? Am I actually going to learn to play more then memorized bits of a song on the piano? Am I going to be an organized mother? Am I going to be a memorable quilt maker (at least to my family)? Will I ever be crafty? Will I ever lead someone to Christ? Am I going to write a book one day? Is it all in me?

I am young.

I have so much life to live. Sometimes I feel like I've already experienced so many things that I don't know what else there is. Sometimes I am afraid of what life will bring. I've even thought maybe I don't want kids. Maybe I don't want to ruin what is so wonderful right now. I think it's just because I'm not ready yet. I'm just rambling on here, but it's just something I was thinking about today as I was reading. I have so much to look forward to.

I am young.

There will be times when I will want to open up my heart and rejoice with deepest gratitude. There will also be times when I want to bury my eyes and my soul from the world and figure it all out on my own. There will be times when I will grieve with every part of my being and I will not understand how I am waking up each day. There will be days when my heart feels like it's bursting with pure happiness and sunshine and I will not be able to contain it. I am looking forward to each and every one of these days. Not because they are going to be mine and not because they will fill me with wisdom and experience but because they will be the truth. They will be me, every single day. No matter what the day holds I am me...always me. So much to look forward to.

I am young.

The Invisible Hand

Where will I end up if I don't lean on the One who created me and knows me inside out? Only He knows how I can get through my struggles. Only He can show me the next step. Only He can remove my guilt and fear and cast it aside so I no longer feel alone in all of this. He is my shoulder to lean on, my invisible hand to hold and my companion through all of life's situations whether good or bad.

"Hold Onto Jesus" by Steven Curtis Chapman

I have come to this ocean
And the waves of fear are starting to grow
The doubts and questions are rising with the tide
So I'm clinging to the one sure thing I know

I will hold on to the hand of my Savior
And I will hold on with all my might
I will hold loosely to things that are fleeting
And hold on to Jesus
I will hold on to Jesus for life

I've tried to hold many treasures
They just keep slipping through my fingers like sand
But there's one treasure that means more than breath itself
So I'm clinging to it with everything I am

Like a child holding on to a promise
I will cling to His word and believe
As I press on to take hold of that
for which Christ Jesus took hold of me

What It All Means

You may not think that the songs I post have anything to do with my trying to lose weight. The thing is, they do. These songs are a representation of who I am and what I'm going through in my life. A good song can speak all the words that I can't find. It will make my heart feel like someone else in the world understands exactly what I'm feeling. It can make my heart feel that much closer to God.

So, the songs that I have posted represent where I am at in my life right now. Sometimes I feel like I don't know exactly how to explain my feelings, but, the song has all the right words. A song like "Something There" speaks of feeling like God still has a purpose for your life, even when you feel like you've failed in so many areas and like God doesn't have a use for you anymore. I have felt like that at times when it comes to gaining weight. I feel like I have tried so hard to change but I have also failed so many times. So as the song says, "if I'm breathing in, does that mean you still want me, that you still see something there." I am still here, I am still wanted and needed.

The songs I post hold a lot of personal meaning to me. I just thought that I should explain that to you. I will continue to post songs time and time again and I hope that you enjoy them. They may not have as deep of meaning to you as they do for me, but I hope that you can still appreciate them.

Beautiful Redemption

There is something about this song that really touches me. When she talks about acting just the same as so many people from the Bible it reminds me that I have acted the same as them too! We are all guilty of denial, doubt, betrayal, and immaturity. We have to remember, though, that we are loved no matter what. We are still God's child. I feel like I've been trying to really grasp this concept lately and I wonder if I'll ever really be able to fathom it all. I am loved. Three simple words that carry so much...and I can't understand them. One day, when I see my Father face to face I know that I will. Until then, I will enjoy the beauty of incomprehension.

Beautiful Redemption
by Joy Williams

I've had my forty days and forty nights at sea
I've had forty years in the wilderness, or so to speak
I've walked with sand from the ocean floor on my feet
To turn and say you left me

I'm a doubting Thomas in needing to believe
I'm a perfumed sinner just like Magdalene
I'm Judas kissing on your cheek eager to decieve
I am all of these

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

I'm the guilty thief that's hanging by your side
And my shame is dying with your sacrifice
And all my fears come crashing down as I look in your eyes
I see paradise

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption