Starting to Make Some Sense

This past week has been a mix of good and bad. I'll start with the bad.

We have been in a heat wave. Oh ya. Fun. With a capital F. *I don't think sarcasm comes through very well in writing* It has been disgustingly hot! Up to 40 degrees with a humidex of 80-95%! Blah! All I can say is thank goodness for central air! ;-)

The good is I've had a job interview! Two, actually. I emailed my resume to three different places last Wednesday and by Friday I got a call for an interview on Sunday. That went really well and they asked me back for a second one that I had yesterday. I'm REALLY hoping I get it! It's full time, salaried and is the same type of work I was doing before my mat leave. It is a MUCH better company to work for, though. Not all the B.S. I dealt with at my former job. Plus, it's enough pay that Dan would be able to stay home with Paul! He is really excited about that.

So, I've been praying and trusting and praying and trusting...and a little more of both. I'll let you know if I get it - I should know by Tuesday!

Long Time No Talk

I have gotten so bad at updating my blog. I always check all my favorite blogs that others write and when I'm done I look at mine and think "oh, I need to post...but I'm so tired! I'll do it tomorrow." This goes on and on every night until a month or more has passed.

I apologize.

Things have been a little bit stressful in the Wilson household as of late. My maternity leave has ended, no one has signed up for my home daycare, Dan is still looking for a job (no one is calling back...ugh!) so we have no income right now. We do have our child tax credit and baby bonus for Paul but that's it. It's been really frustrating. Today I went in and talked to my old manager about getting my position back (it's still not filled) and she said she would keep me in mind. I'll be handing out more resumes and we're just hoping that one of us will get a job SOON! As in, YESTERDAY!

Other than that, life has been good. We've been attending an awesome church for the last couple months and it has been so refreshing! It is exactly what we need at this time in our lives. We've already made some wonderful friends and have joined a small group.

It's been great to be a part of a family of faith again because I really need God right now. Life really hasn't been going as "planned." Well, as we have planned. On Sunday we had a speaker give his testimony and share how God really took him away from the plans that he had made and showed him that God wanted him to live a life for him; to trust Him. Well, that's what I need to do. Nothing I am doing is working. The plans I have made for my own life have fallen through the cracks. Yet I still choose to believe that I can still make it work; that I can do it better. I can't. I must let go and trust that God will put the pieces together and make my life something beautiful. Something better than I can even imagine!

I find myself being a little more emotional lately. Not just over big things but little things. Today one of my favorite sweaters accidentally went through the dryer and I cried 'cause it shrank about a half inch...yes, I cried about that. A couple days ago I cried because one of my favorite shirts of Paul's got two little stains on it. They are barely noticeable but, nonetheless, I cried. I think it's a build up of stress and anxiety. It's me trying to hold everything together and make it all work, even though it's impossible. It makes me think about those who don't believe in God and don't know/feel that there is Someone who can help them. I've been a Christian since I was about 3 years old and I know that God can carry my burden and will hold my life together for me but I still try and do it on my own. How is it for non-believers? Do they carry this burden around all the time? How does it feel to not know that there is a God who wants to take it from you and ease your load? I'm not trying to sound egotistical and like I have it all figured out, I'm just pondering.

So, that is me right now. I'm working on letting go. I feel this will be a constant battle that will take my whole life to conquer. Any relationship is give and take. If God is willing to take my burden than I should be willing to give it. Why am I so unwilling?

On a completely different subject, Paul is doing very well! He now has 5 teeth and is a little speed racer! He cruises around the furniture, he crawls in the bath, he sleeps unswaddled (he took to that like nobody's business) and is even holding his own bottle! Where has my little baby gone? He is rapidly turning into a little boy! Only 45 more days till he turns 1. Unbelievable. I'm excited for it, though. There is so much life ahead for my little man and I can't wait to watch him grow into who God intends him to be. I see his personality come alive more and more every day and I am just amazed at how wonderful he is. He will one day make friends. My baby boy will learn how to make friends on his own! I know that seems so simple and "duh" but it astonishes me that he will learn this. I'm looking forward to this journey with my son. Every single moment.

Growing Up

My little 9 1/2 month old...almost 10 months! Where has the time gone? Just today my mom and I were saying that 10 months almost seems like a milestone. I joked that 10 months for a baby is like becoming a teenager when they're older! He'll no longer be in the single digits! He's standing up to everything and crawling (on all fours) like there's no tomorrow. Life may be busier but it's also more fun! As much as I would love for him to stay small forever I very much enjoy watching him learn and grow! It just amazes me!

So for now I am soaking up every day, every hour, every minute with my precious baby boy!

Helping mommy clean her closet

Fun in the playpen

Hanging out with mommy and daddy
on the front porch

He'll stand up to anything!

He sure does love his Grandpa!

Grandma has a sweet spot for him!

Getting big!

Fun with yogurt

Day 2

We are on day 2 of no TV during the day. I am loving it! When we first moved into our house we didn't have cable and it was great. Then we started to feel like it might be nice to have it back and we could afford it. Now that Dan is out of work and looking for a new job money is tighter and we are way to hooked on it. So, we're thinking of canceling it again.

Yesterday I got so much done and when I crawled in to bed last night I felt like it was a good, full day. I want more days like that. Last night was a hockey game so we said no TV until 7pm.

I'm thinking of leaving Paul with Dan and going for a walk. Just me alone with my iPod. I need it.

Oh - Paul played in sand for the first time yesterday! He didn't seem to like it at first but he got used to it. Luckily there was only one handful to the mouth...I guess it's a right of passage!

Mother's Day

Tomorrow is my first Mother's Day. That is, my first Mother's Day with Paul outside of me. This year I get to enjoy him and cherish him. I get to hug him, snuggle him and revel in the fact that he is mine.

He is my baby boy. I carried him in my womb for nine months. I was his life line. I provided nourishment to him; warmth and security. He is the perfect mix of Dan and me.

Yesterday Dan asked me if I cared if I got any gifts for Mother's Day or is going out for dinner okay. I told him I don't need anything. I am perfectly honest, too. I know some mothers would be furious if they didn't receive flowers, a card, a gift or all three! I am just looking forward to spending the day with my two favorite guys in the whole wide world. I couldn't ask for anything better. No gift can top that!

*Insert Discontented Sigh Here*

I'm not content right now. I'm not happy with where I am at in my life. Don't get me wrong - I am happy - I am just frustrated with myself and my lack of motivation. I feel like I have no energy. If I eat better and exercise I will have the energy to do the things I want to accomplish but, I feel like I don't have the energy to jump start myself.

I was so tired today. I didn't sleep well last night and Paul was up a couple times...I woke up just wishing I could sleep for 3 more hours! I pretty much did nothing. Honestly. The only thing I accomplished today was calling and setting up a time to see something from a Kijiji ad. Pitiful.

Does somebody want to come over here and slap me in the face? Maybe there is a weight loss group in our new church! I was part of one before at another church and I loved it - gave me so much motivation. If there isn't, maybe I can start one! Hmmm...did God just put that thought in my head? Maybe...just maybe.

On another note I might have a couple kids for daycare starting in June! The woman that cuts Dan's hair mentioned that she was moving into Kingston June 1st (she lives 25 mins away right now) and she needs daycare for her two boys who are 1 and 5! That would be perfect! Please pray about this for me because my Mat Leave is up at the end of May and we need this!

It's time for bed. Well, my book and then bed. I'm so glad I have found a way to incorporate reading back into my days - usually helps me sleep better. It's the best way to get things off your mind before falling asleep. Ah - reading! How I love thee!

Okay, seriously, time for bed.

And Now For Something Completely Different

I need change in my life.

Seriously - I do.

I'm not talking little changes like "should I colour my hair?" or "let's try the bookcase over here," I mean big changes. Here are the things on my list:

1. Start running. I can't be a coward anymore. I want to do it so I just should.

2. Become a vegetarian/vegan. I may take a little longer giving up dairy, but for now I can at least cut out meat. There are some ugly truths about meat that I know yet I still continue to eat it. No more.

3. Cut out junk food. Only treat myself when I feel I truly deserve it (and that doesn't mean once a week.) I want to wait until I really, really want it and then maybe have something. It is doable.

4. Go through the boxes in the basement and only keep what we need. I can't be (too) sentimental otherwise I will get sucked into keeping too much. Not gonna happen.

5. Plan meals and stick to a grocery budget. I have done it before and I can do it again.

6. Less TV and computer and more family time. The weather is beautiful and we have a baby that is very flexible - we need to take advantage of it. Go for walks, go to the park, go for hikes - that is the reason we bought a back-pack carrier for Paul!

So, those are some of the changes I want - no, need - to make. Some of those may be small changes to others but for me they are big. I'm in need of a whole lifestyle change, really. I am also lucky to have a husband who feels the same way and is very supportive. Should I take advantage of that? Heck yes!

I don't intend to necessarily do every single thing at once, but work it all into my every day life. If I just take 10 minutes a day to do something like go through a box in the basement then that's one box taken care of. If I only check the 3 websites I usually do then close the computer and do the dishes then that is one less thing that is piled up at the end of the week! When I do senseless, mind-numbing things all day I also snack more (especially on junk) and I gain weight and don't want to get out to do things (low energy.) I need to fill my days so I'm not stuck in that vicious cycle.

I'll try and blog once a week to let you know how things are going.