One of Those Days

Do you ever have those self deprecating days? You just tear yourself up and down? Feel sorry for yourself and all the things you think you can't accomplish?

I had one of those days.

I joined sparkpeople.com last week and I have been so excited about it! It is really easy to follow. Every day I put everything I've eaten into the Nutrition Tracker and it lets me know if I'm in my allotted range for calories, fat, carbs, and protein. When you start you make a goal for yourself (how much you want to lose in whatever length of time you want.) Mine is 50 lbs in a year.

Well, I think I need to crunch that. I've been working really hard and staying within my ranges and I'm not dropping the pounds like I thought I would. It is so deflating and disappointing when you're working so hard at something and barely seeing a difference. I haven't even been craving sweet things or even things that are bad for me but today I caved. It wasn't out of cravings but just out of feeling sorry for myself. That is worse, in my opinion. I ended up having a big cookie, mashed potatoes and ice cream with fudge sauce (not all at once...lol.) I'm not very pleased with myself.

What I have realized in all this is I think I need to shorten my goal of a year to, say, 8 months. That whay my calorie range will be less and I will definitely see a difference. I'm sick of feeling helpless in all of this and I NEED to make a change - one that lasts for life.

So here goes my first honest weigh in:
January 28/10 - 261 lbs

All Mine

I get to keep him.

Forever.

Just saying.

My Little Man

He is getting so big! It's not fair! After all these moments pass I realize they will never happen again. The first time he rolls over, grabs something, pulls something to his mouth, smiles, laughs, eats his first solids...these are all once in a lifetime things! I try and make sure to take time to cherish it all.

Speaking of solids, Paul had his first yesterday! He had avocado and he just loved it! He ate about 4 tablespoons. I gave him more today and he ate about half that. I was really impressed.




We've entered a whole new journey in Paul's life and I'm excited for it! I love food so much and I'm anxious to see what Paul loves. Hopefully he likes veggies as much as I do!!

So Close

For those of you who have just started reading, I will let you in on a little something.

Music is my life.

I don't mean that in the way I play an instrument and it consumes my time. I mean IT IS MY LIFE. Every time I don't know what to say I use a song. If I am mad about something music calms me down. If I am sad, joyful, elated, sorrowful I can always find a song to describe my current state of being. I have been this way for a long time. Music has always reached me so deeply. I inherited this from my dad. We used to (before time got away from us and swept up our lives) sit there for 2-3 hours just sharing music. Simply sharing songs back and forth. I LOVED those times! I still make mix CD's for him and my mom just to share with them what music is touching me at a certain time in my life. My dad and I are also known for sitting in the car after we've arrived at our destination just to finish a song. Life seems incomplete unless we do - even if we've heard the song a million times.

This love for music has always spilled over into my spiritual life. That is pretty much where it started. I've always thought of my relationship with Christ to be constantly evolving and it will not stop until I am home in his presence. Just as I mature and grow as a person my spiritual growth follows the same pattern - not always at the same time, though. As of late, my relationship with Christ has fallen flat. All my fault, of course. When I left school (I went to a Bible college) I was sick of church. I was tired and jaded. I grew up in the church and when I went to school it was 4 times a week (6 during spiritual advancement week and holiness advancement week.) It was tiring. It's not that I necessarily hated church, I just grew tired of the same thing over and over. Plus, when you see all the hypocrisy and judgment you just don't want to be around those people anymore.

All that said, Dan and I have not been a part of a church for almost 3 years. I was always a part of one. In the same way that I grew tired of church I am now tired of NOT going. I am longing for it. I am nervous to find one that we both like and to get back into the pattern of going every Sunday but I know the benefits are worth it. I (we) need the socialization. I need the friendships. I need the faith community to keep me accountable not of my sins but, of my desire to grow and learn more about Christ. In the past 3 years I have been through a lot of ups and downs, including some depression. I know that is where this gradual weight gain has come from. I am eager to start to love myself again and desire to love my husband more!

To tie this all back into what I was saying at the start I have a song to share. This is one that I feel perfectly describes where I am at right now. It is by Bethany Dillon (surprise, surprise...lol) and it is so beautifully written. Maybe it won't speak to you where you are at right now but maybe it will. I am just wanting to share exactly how I feel and this is it.

So Close
by Bethany Dillon

I’m so close to being so far away from You
I was wrong, but it takes so much to say it to You
Like a broken husband and wife
Who never talk but share their nights

I’m so close to being so far away from You
I have nothing when I’m living apart from You
Outside, creation groans
To lose our darkness and be made whole

For my feet are close to slipping
Speak to my heart in time
You have promised, so I do believe
You won’t forget this wandering child

Still, I’m so close to being so far away from You
Though I know no one on their own makes it through
My soul clings to the dust
So in Your life, let it be enough

I’m so foolish to believe that I can escape Your love
For my feet were close to slipping
You spoke to my heart in time
You have promised, so I do believe
You won’t forget this wandering child

You’re so close when I feel far away from You

Christmas is coming

And I'm not at home. I am spending the week here in Ottawa with my parents. I surprised them by coming up a day early with Paul. So we've been here since Friday night and we're staying until next Sunday. It has been great so far! I got my chocolate peanut butter balls made as well as my tuna dip! I might make some gingerbread cookies later in the week but we'll see. There are already so many snacks for Christmas.

Paul has been doing well. He came down with another infection so he's on antibiotics. He also came down with a cold Saturday night but it already seems to be gone! It's really strange and not common for a baby to have infections like this (especially a boy) so I'm guessing they are going to have to do some tests to find out what is wrong. I hope it's nothing too serious. I would hate to see him go through so much. Please pray that it's something that can be fixed easily.

Dan quit his job at the credit union so he'll have to find something soon. I'm guessing it won't be till after Christmas, realistically. I have to admit that it is kinda nice because then he can relax and we can take as many days as we want to visit and enjoy the holidays. Still, a job is nice too!

I'm semi-excited for Christmas this year. Time is just flying by so fast! I got a bunch of shopping done early and then that kind of died off so now I have to finish this week. I'm hoping that I won't have to do any once I'm home next week so I can just focus on wrapping and preparing food. We're having Dan's dad stay over for Christmas this year at our house so I want to be prepared for that. I'm saying "semi-excited" partially because I'm feeling like it is going to be busy and Paul isn't at the age yet where he understands it at all so it's not exciting that way yet. There's a part of me that feels stressed about it and the joy of it all isn't quite seeping in. I know that come Christmas Eve I'm going to be excited. I'm not looking forward to Christmas day when I have to cook a whole meal by myself (turkey and all) and then clean it all up by myself. Honestly, are Dan and Peter really going to help? Probably not. I'll see what I can discuss with Dan ahead of time...maybe I can munipulate him into helping...LOL!

Anywho, that is my update for now. I might not get a chance to post again before Christmas but, I'll try!

Photo Shoot

I'm hoping to get a good camera soon but for now all I have is a regular one. We're just trying figure out finances to see what we can afford. The other day I did a mini photo shoot with Paul which ended up producing a few good photos!

Time

It's funny how time slips away from you when you have a child. Every minute just gets lost. Even if they're tucked away for a three hour nap it seems to just fly by. I never get as much done as I plan and it's really frustrating sometimes! Before I know it he's awake! Or I think "I've got three hours to do this and this and this" but that's the day he decides to only sleep 1 1/2-2 hours! Argh!

Maybe I just need to become more organized. I need to plan ahead. Especially with meals. I have been terrible in that department. I used to love to have dinner ready for when Dan got home from work but I feel like I've just lost that, you know? If I plan ahead for the week maybe I can actually accomplish it, though. Paul is content enough to sit in his chair in the kitchen while I make meals. It will be really nice when I can use the high chair...it won't be long!

Speaking of, I can't believe how fast Paul is growing! He's chubbing up (although he's not a super chubby baby) and he's getting longer. It just amazes me when I look at him sometimes. It's sad sometimes thinking that he will never be this way again - this is it. Time is just stealing my baby away from me! I know he's not even four months old but that's four months of his life (and ours!)

Maybe I'm just feeling a little sentimental today...I don't know. I'm enjoying him at this age. He jabbers away and smiles a lot. He's now sleeping 9 hours at night (without a feeding in that time) so I am LOVING that! I just don't want to miss anything. I definitely know I want another one, that's for sure! Not yet, but we have plans to start trying again in about a year to a year and a half. We'll know when it's time again. Until then, I will enjoy this little bugger!