So Close

For those of you who have just started reading, I will let you in on a little something.

Music is my life.

I don't mean that in the way I play an instrument and it consumes my time. I mean IT IS MY LIFE. Every time I don't know what to say I use a song. If I am mad about something music calms me down. If I am sad, joyful, elated, sorrowful I can always find a song to describe my current state of being. I have been this way for a long time. Music has always reached me so deeply. I inherited this from my dad. We used to (before time got away from us and swept up our lives) sit there for 2-3 hours just sharing music. Simply sharing songs back and forth. I LOVED those times! I still make mix CD's for him and my mom just to share with them what music is touching me at a certain time in my life. My dad and I are also known for sitting in the car after we've arrived at our destination just to finish a song. Life seems incomplete unless we do - even if we've heard the song a million times.

This love for music has always spilled over into my spiritual life. That is pretty much where it started. I've always thought of my relationship with Christ to be constantly evolving and it will not stop until I am home in his presence. Just as I mature and grow as a person my spiritual growth follows the same pattern - not always at the same time, though. As of late, my relationship with Christ has fallen flat. All my fault, of course. When I left school (I went to a Bible college) I was sick of church. I was tired and jaded. I grew up in the church and when I went to school it was 4 times a week (6 during spiritual advancement week and holiness advancement week.) It was tiring. It's not that I necessarily hated church, I just grew tired of the same thing over and over. Plus, when you see all the hypocrisy and judgment you just don't want to be around those people anymore.

All that said, Dan and I have not been a part of a church for almost 3 years. I was always a part of one. In the same way that I grew tired of church I am now tired of NOT going. I am longing for it. I am nervous to find one that we both like and to get back into the pattern of going every Sunday but I know the benefits are worth it. I (we) need the socialization. I need the friendships. I need the faith community to keep me accountable not of my sins but, of my desire to grow and learn more about Christ. In the past 3 years I have been through a lot of ups and downs, including some depression. I know that is where this gradual weight gain has come from. I am eager to start to love myself again and desire to love my husband more!

To tie this all back into what I was saying at the start I have a song to share. This is one that I feel perfectly describes where I am at right now. It is by Bethany Dillon (surprise, surprise...lol) and it is so beautifully written. Maybe it won't speak to you where you are at right now but maybe it will. I am just wanting to share exactly how I feel and this is it.

So Close
by Bethany Dillon

I’m so close to being so far away from You
I was wrong, but it takes so much to say it to You
Like a broken husband and wife
Who never talk but share their nights

I’m so close to being so far away from You
I have nothing when I’m living apart from You
Outside, creation groans
To lose our darkness and be made whole

For my feet are close to slipping
Speak to my heart in time
You have promised, so I do believe
You won’t forget this wandering child

Still, I’m so close to being so far away from You
Though I know no one on their own makes it through
My soul clings to the dust
So in Your life, let it be enough

I’m so foolish to believe that I can escape Your love
For my feet were close to slipping
You spoke to my heart in time
You have promised, so I do believe
You won’t forget this wandering child

You’re so close when I feel far away from You