Mourning the Lost

Do you have any of those friendships where you look back and try to pinpoint the exact moment when it started fading away? You wonder "what happened?" I have a few like that. I am also becoming more aware of the fact that as I get older it will not stop or even slow down.

That awareness has made me sad yet somewhat grateful simultaneously.

Sad because friendships are such an integral part of our lives; they shape who we are and who we are yet to become. To lose one of those relationships tears into our souls and urges us to re-examine what we want out of our lives.

Grateful because that re-examination process produces a wiser, more intuitive version of myself. I become keenly aware of what I am looking for in a friendship and what I am willing to offer. I am also grateful because I got to spend however many allotted moments with that person and in some small or big way those moments changed my life. I prefer to think that the changes are good.

I look forward to the coming and going of these life-altering relationships. I will forever mourn the loss of certain friendships over the years but I will not let it interfere with the creation of new ones. I will allow them to influence the new.

For what have I learned from the former if it does not affect the latter?

My Baby Boy is ONE!

Happy Birthday to my sweet, crazy, lovable little rascal of a boy! I love you very much and you make my life brighter every day!

Changes

Tomorrow I start my new job. I'm excited but I'm also nervous and kinda sad. My whole life for the past year has been looking after Paul at home and it's going to be weird not doing that anymore. I know I'll still have days off but it's not the same. I've been a little emotional over it here and there the last few days. It comes out when I least expect it though - 2 in the morning while I'm crawling into bed, while taking a walk with Dan and Paul, tonight on the phone with my mom. I just get choked up. I know it's worth it and we need it, though. We'll settle into a whole new routine as a family. I'm also really excited for Dan - he's looking forward to taking on the role of "Stay at Home Dad." I think he'll do a fantastic job!

I should get to bed. 8-5 tomorrow...

Update

I have a new job!!

I start on Monday as the new full time team leader at a clothing store! I'm SO excited! I had been hoping for the assistant manager position but I think I'll get there one day! My manager said that they're hiring me on in this position with hopes that I will be promoted in the future, whether it's at this store or on of the other banner stores of the company.

This really is a blessing. The moment I let things go and started trusting God, I started feeling at peace about it all and He just placed this opportunity in my lap. I am so grateful!

Starting to Make Some Sense

This past week has been a mix of good and bad. I'll start with the bad.

We have been in a heat wave. Oh ya. Fun. With a capital F. *I don't think sarcasm comes through very well in writing* It has been disgustingly hot! Up to 40 degrees with a humidex of 80-95%! Blah! All I can say is thank goodness for central air! ;-)

The good is I've had a job interview! Two, actually. I emailed my resume to three different places last Wednesday and by Friday I got a call for an interview on Sunday. That went really well and they asked me back for a second one that I had yesterday. I'm REALLY hoping I get it! It's full time, salaried and is the same type of work I was doing before my mat leave. It is a MUCH better company to work for, though. Not all the B.S. I dealt with at my former job. Plus, it's enough pay that Dan would be able to stay home with Paul! He is really excited about that.

So, I've been praying and trusting and praying and trusting...and a little more of both. I'll let you know if I get it - I should know by Tuesday!

Long Time No Talk

I have gotten so bad at updating my blog. I always check all my favorite blogs that others write and when I'm done I look at mine and think "oh, I need to post...but I'm so tired! I'll do it tomorrow." This goes on and on every night until a month or more has passed.

I apologize.

Things have been a little bit stressful in the Wilson household as of late. My maternity leave has ended, no one has signed up for my home daycare, Dan is still looking for a job (no one is calling back...ugh!) so we have no income right now. We do have our child tax credit and baby bonus for Paul but that's it. It's been really frustrating. Today I went in and talked to my old manager about getting my position back (it's still not filled) and she said she would keep me in mind. I'll be handing out more resumes and we're just hoping that one of us will get a job SOON! As in, YESTERDAY!

Other than that, life has been good. We've been attending an awesome church for the last couple months and it has been so refreshing! It is exactly what we need at this time in our lives. We've already made some wonderful friends and have joined a small group.

It's been great to be a part of a family of faith again because I really need God right now. Life really hasn't been going as "planned." Well, as we have planned. On Sunday we had a speaker give his testimony and share how God really took him away from the plans that he had made and showed him that God wanted him to live a life for him; to trust Him. Well, that's what I need to do. Nothing I am doing is working. The plans I have made for my own life have fallen through the cracks. Yet I still choose to believe that I can still make it work; that I can do it better. I can't. I must let go and trust that God will put the pieces together and make my life something beautiful. Something better than I can even imagine!

I find myself being a little more emotional lately. Not just over big things but little things. Today one of my favorite sweaters accidentally went through the dryer and I cried 'cause it shrank about a half inch...yes, I cried about that. A couple days ago I cried because one of my favorite shirts of Paul's got two little stains on it. They are barely noticeable but, nonetheless, I cried. I think it's a build up of stress and anxiety. It's me trying to hold everything together and make it all work, even though it's impossible. It makes me think about those who don't believe in God and don't know/feel that there is Someone who can help them. I've been a Christian since I was about 3 years old and I know that God can carry my burden and will hold my life together for me but I still try and do it on my own. How is it for non-believers? Do they carry this burden around all the time? How does it feel to not know that there is a God who wants to take it from you and ease your load? I'm not trying to sound egotistical and like I have it all figured out, I'm just pondering.

So, that is me right now. I'm working on letting go. I feel this will be a constant battle that will take my whole life to conquer. Any relationship is give and take. If God is willing to take my burden than I should be willing to give it. Why am I so unwilling?

On a completely different subject, Paul is doing very well! He now has 5 teeth and is a little speed racer! He cruises around the furniture, he crawls in the bath, he sleeps unswaddled (he took to that like nobody's business) and is even holding his own bottle! Where has my little baby gone? He is rapidly turning into a little boy! Only 45 more days till he turns 1. Unbelievable. I'm excited for it, though. There is so much life ahead for my little man and I can't wait to watch him grow into who God intends him to be. I see his personality come alive more and more every day and I am just amazed at how wonderful he is. He will one day make friends. My baby boy will learn how to make friends on his own! I know that seems so simple and "duh" but it astonishes me that he will learn this. I'm looking forward to this journey with my son. Every single moment.

Growing Up

My little 9 1/2 month old...almost 10 months! Where has the time gone? Just today my mom and I were saying that 10 months almost seems like a milestone. I joked that 10 months for a baby is like becoming a teenager when they're older! He'll no longer be in the single digits! He's standing up to everything and crawling (on all fours) like there's no tomorrow. Life may be busier but it's also more fun! As much as I would love for him to stay small forever I very much enjoy watching him learn and grow! It just amazes me!

So for now I am soaking up every day, every hour, every minute with my precious baby boy!

Helping mommy clean her closet

Fun in the playpen

Hanging out with mommy and daddy
on the front porch

He'll stand up to anything!

He sure does love his Grandpa!

Grandma has a sweet spot for him!

Getting big!

Fun with yogurt