Anxiety

I have to go back to work today. It's a short 3 hour shift but I am feeling some very unwelcome anxiety over it. My heart has been racing for a few hours and I can't sleep.

I feel like I'm not ready to face the world. The only people I have seen since "it" happened are my parents and my father-in-law (apart from Dan and Paul, of course.) I know that my co-workers will meet me with hugs and words of sympathy and encouragement, but for some reason that doesn't sound appealing. I know it should, and ultimately it will, but right now in my mind it is the last thing I want. I am in my own cocoon right now. It's so easy to hide away and just let this be my own thing. I don't have to do anything I don't want to.

I need to go back, though. Life needs to go on. Whether I stay holed up in my house or go greet customers and help them buy clothes, life will go on. It's painful to think of. A part of me feels like moving forward is acting like my baby didn't exist; like it never had a heart beat or kicked it's little legs inside me. Deep down I know this isn't true. I know that I will never, ever forget how excited we were for this baby and how we celebrated it with every fiber of our beings. It was loved and no amount of moving forward can take that away.

I have no clue what happened. At some point during some day my baby's heart stopped beating. Something went wrong. Looking back I've realized that the last week and a half my belly didn't grow. So, it could've happened long before I knew it. In some odd way I find comfort in the not knowing. The fact that there is nothing I could have done to stop it and every single part of it all was out of my control gives me a sense of peace. It wasn't in my plans but it was in God's.

I am a true believer in that. It's not just "there's a reason for everything" or "God has a plan" saying, it's a deeply embedded truth that I believe in. I trust that God created my body to know what to do when something isn't right. He knew what he was doing when he made me. Now, I do wish he would slow my heart down and tell my body to go to sleep. ;)

I think I'll try again. Paul woke up an hour and a half ago and he still hasn't gone back to sleep. Maybe I'll try cuddling with him. That usually cheers me up.

I am also going to leave you with lyrics to a song that's comforting right now.

I Will Rest In You

by Jaci Velasquez

Lord, I'm in the dark,
Seems to me the line is dead when I come calling.
No one there, the sky is falling;

Lord, I need to know.
My mind is playing games again,
You're right where You have always been.

Take me back to You,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.

Tell me I'm a fool,
Tell me that You love me for the fool I am,
And comfort me like only You can,
And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again.

Take me back to You,
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me.
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

I will rest in You,
I will rest in You,
I will rest in You.

Take me back to You.
The place that I once knew as a little child;
Constantly the eyes of God watched over me
Oh, I want to be
In the place that I once knew as a little child,
Fall into the bed of faith prepared for me.

A Little Bit of Anger

I can't help it. I feel a little angry. I think the day it happened I was in shock. Throughout yesterday all the questions and emotions started to slowly take over me.

The ever bitter "why." Why me? Why now? Why at 3 months? Why not 6 weeks? Why do I have to go through this?

There aren't just questions, but general life things. I just bought a brand new pair of maternity pants for work on Saturday...and I have a pair on hold. They're hanging there in a closet waiting to hug my belly as it grows. Last week on the calender I wrote in little numbers in the corner of every Wednesday through August what week I would be in. I also filled out on August 31st "LBW #2 DUE!!" Now I need a new calender. On Friday I filled out my Maternity Leave form for work. I took the time to figure out the dates and when I wanted to start. I can still picture the last words on the cover letter: "HAVE A HAPPY AND HEALTHY PREGNANCY!" Well, I now have neither. Everyone knows, too. Everyone! What do I say? What do I do? How do I tell people "oh, that baby? Ya, that's not happening anymore."

Maybe I'm sounding harsh. I am SO grateful for the beautiful, healthy boy that is walking around and making me laugh during this hard time. I am thankful and appreciate every moment that I have with him. I'm just a little angry...and I'm going to allow myself to be. Just for a bit.

God's Plan vs Our Plan

Well, God had a different plan in mind for us today.

We lost the baby. 12 weeks and 6 days. Almost 13.

Right now I am very exhausted, physically and emotionally so I don't have many tears yet. I had quite a few on the way home from the ER. I'm taking tomorrow (and possibly more days) off from work to recover from it all.

I'd like to write more tonight but I just don't think I have the words in me...

Nostalgia and Hormones

Do you ever wonder where you went? You ask yourself "where did the me go that used to drop money on a painting because it made me feel good?" or "where did the me go who was daring to try a new recipe with ingredients I hadn't even heard of?" or "where did the me go that just sat and listened to a new, whole cd that I was dying to hear?"

Sometimes I ask these things of myself. At times I feel like I am not the same person I was. I think of how different I was 10 years ago. 5. 3. Even 1. I liked different things: music, clothes, food. What happened to me?

I am still here. I am Morgan. I am the same person I have always been. My personality is the same, it is my likes and dislikes that have changed. I still adore music. I still enjoy trying new foods and recipes. I always have and always will like the basics when it comes to clothes.

My life is full of different things now. My focus has shifted. I have a husband, a toddler, a job, a house, another child on the way...what is important in my life has changed. I don't have the freedom to cruise the grocery aisles and think about what only I want. I can't spend money on a few drinks at the bar with friends when I feel like it. I can't just save up for 6 months and fly out to Seattle to visit family whenever I like.

For the most part, I don't miss that. Of course there are tiny moments when I would love to do any one of those things but I like my life now. I like the (semi) structure of it all. I have people who depend on me and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter, sister, friend, co-worker. I am not defined by any one of those individually but they all combine to represent me as a whole.

I have nostalgic moments, like anyone else (and I'm sure listening to an old mix cd from college doesn't help,) but the moments are just that; nostalgia. I enjoy looking back and being sentimental and reminiscing on wonderful, beautiful times in my life because those memories have led to the shaping of who I am now. They are bits and pieces that I picked up along the way and fit into my heart and soul.

I feel like I may be starting to ramble a bit. I also feel like I haven't completely conveyed what Ireally want to say. I guess it's probably just my pregnancy hormones (almost 13 weeks!!) that are causing me to think about this, but I feel it's important to touch on sometimes. I hope someone out there understands what I'm trying to say!

Yup...I done it again!

I am 9 weeks.

I'm due August 31st.

We are PSYCHED!

Happy New Year!

We ordered Chinese food and watched "Grown Ups." We are exciting people...

I am definitely looking forward to this year! It is going to be challenging but rewarding. It will have it's ups and downs and ins and outs yet, it will be beautiful. When I wake up tomorrow it will be here. The new year. A fresh start.

Oh, how I feel I need it sometimes!

Hustle and Bustle

I'm sitting here getting ready to wrap Christmas gifts and I think "ugh, why didn't I start this earlier?" That thought led me to "it's interesting how everyone wants to get everything done early so they can relax and enjoy the holiday." My question is what does that really mean?

To me, the shopping and baking and cooking and wrapping and decorating IS enjoying the holidays! It's the hustle and bustle of it all that makes it so exciting. As we get older we tend to get cynical and "damn commercialism" about Christmas. Is it all a part of losing our innocence and naivety (thanks Uncle Lloyd for such a great word) with age? Am I saying that I have not fallen victim to this harsh cynicism myself? By no means! Christmas definitely loses some of that magic to it as we get older but so do a lot of things in life! If we happen to lose a tooth when we're 30 we're not going to be excited to find a quarter under our pillow - we'll complain about the dentist bill! When the power goes out for hours on end it's not eerie and mystical - it's annoying! We worry about spoiled food, not having any electricity to cook food, no heat, etc. We learn a sense of responsibility with age. The same goes for Christmas. It becomes more of a responsibility than an event to take part in. When we get married, have our own children, and our own homes, it falls on our shoulders to create the magic of Christmas.

So in the hustle and bustle of cooking and baking and cleaning and shopping and wrapping and hosting we should stop and think how all that we're doing is shaping Christmas in the eyes of the next generation. My chocolate peanut butter balls bring joy to my brothers, so I make them (as tedious as they are.) I wrap every single gift, even after a long hard day at work and proceeding to take care of my son. I do it because it fosters an atmosphere of contentment and warmth. It brings Christmas to my home.

And I enjoy it!