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Monday, June 28, 2010

Long Time No Talk

I have gotten so bad at updating my blog. I always check all my favorite blogs that others write and when I'm done I look at mine and think "oh, I need to post...but I'm so tired! I'll do it tomorrow." This goes on and on every night until a month or more has passed.

I apologize.

Things have been a little bit stressful in the Wilson household as of late. My maternity leave has ended, no one has signed up for my home daycare, Dan is still looking for a job (no one is calling back...ugh!) so we have no income right now. We do have our child tax credit and baby bonus for Paul but that's it. It's been really frustrating. Today I went in and talked to my old manager about getting my position back (it's still not filled) and she said she would keep me in mind. I'll be handing out more resumes and we're just hoping that one of us will get a job SOON! As in, YESTERDAY!

Other than that, life has been good. We've been attending an awesome church for the last couple months and it has been so refreshing! It is exactly what we need at this time in our lives. We've already made some wonderful friends and have joined a small group.

It's been great to be a part of a family of faith again because I really need God right now. Life really hasn't been going as "planned." Well, as we have planned. On Sunday we had a speaker give his testimony and share how God really took him away from the plans that he had made and showed him that God wanted him to live a life for him; to trust Him. Well, that's what I need to do. Nothing I am doing is working. The plans I have made for my own life have fallen through the cracks. Yet I still choose to believe that I can still make it work; that I can do it better. I can't. I must let go and trust that God will put the pieces together and make my life something beautiful. Something better than I can even imagine!

I find myself being a little more emotional lately. Not just over big things but little things. Today one of my favorite sweaters accidentally went through the dryer and I cried 'cause it shrank about a half inch...yes, I cried about that. A couple days ago I cried because one of my favorite shirts of Paul's got two little stains on it. They are barely noticeable but, nonetheless, I cried. I think it's a build up of stress and anxiety. It's me trying to hold everything together and make it all work, even though it's impossible. It makes me think about those who don't believe in God and don't know/feel that there is Someone who can help them. I've been a Christian since I was about 3 years old and I know that God can carry my burden and will hold my life together for me but I still try and do it on my own. How is it for non-believers? Do they carry this burden around all the time? How does it feel to not know that there is a God who wants to take it from you and ease your load? I'm not trying to sound egotistical and like I have it all figured out, I'm just pondering.

So, that is me right now. I'm working on letting go. I feel this will be a constant battle that will take my whole life to conquer. Any relationship is give and take. If God is willing to take my burden than I should be willing to give it. Why am I so unwilling?

On a completely different subject, Paul is doing very well! He now has 5 teeth and is a little speed racer! He cruises around the furniture, he crawls in the bath, he sleeps unswaddled (he took to that like nobody's business) and is even holding his own bottle! Where has my little baby gone? He is rapidly turning into a little boy! Only 45 more days till he turns 1. Unbelievable. I'm excited for it, though. There is so much life ahead for my little man and I can't wait to watch him grow into who God intends him to be. I see his personality come alive more and more every day and I am just amazed at how wonderful he is. He will one day make friends. My baby boy will learn how to make friends on his own! I know that seems so simple and "duh" but it astonishes me that he will learn this. I'm looking forward to this journey with my son. Every single moment.